Be Kind, Rewind

You know, I often give these boxes a lot of flack - rightfully so, might I add, I'm by no means apologizing for that - but I have to say that of all the taglines we've covered on this blog, "Should old acquaintance be forgot? Or just brutally murdered" might be the best. There's just something stunningly hilarious about that. "Bloody New Year" is yet another horror movie based around a holiday, as was common for a long while, and, as usual, they tried to fit the name of the holiday into a stupid name for the movie. Much like "My Bloody Valentine" or "Christmas Evil" , these movies could never resist the urge to come up with the absolute stupidest titles possible instead of giving it something decent and unique. And the cover here is...I mean....it's comical. It's not even scary. It's on the laughable side of Tales from the Crypt, honestly. That skull doesn't invoke fear, it invokes riotious laughter. Look at his dumb...

Sometimes there comes a description so horrendously milquetoast that you're almost legally required to make fun of it, and this is one of those times. The description on the back of this box is so fucking dull, so mundane, so very goddamn generic that it felt like wheoever wrote it only did so because nobody else would bother to do it. Kind of like when you're in a science glass and you wind up doing the entire groups work. My favorite part of the blurb, however, has to be the segment that's not about the girls who're murdered but more about the residents of this 'affluent' neighborhood, who are now, as it describes "puzzled and frightened by the horrible crime that has been committed", because the qualifier of them being affluent almost makes it seem like the crime itself is less of a concern and more that they want to figure out who to uninvite from this years potluck. The Creepers plot, as described by an IMDB user, is as follows After one schoolgir...

Not gonna lie, I don't think I would trust anyone in the medical profession named Doctor Blood, regardless of their qualifications. I don't care if he primarily works a hematologist, that's the kind of name that one only acquires if you spend a lifetime removing blood from people who generally aren't conscious and aware that you're removing their blood. That being said, if I needed the blood from somebody against their will, well then I would immediately hire Doctor Blood, because he's clearly the man for the job, as his name insinuates. Actually, goofy name and awful box art aside, this is one of those rare films covered here that actually has a Wikipedia page, which describes the movie as: Doctor Blood's Coffin is a 1961 British horror film produced by George Fowler, and directed by Sidney J. Furie . It stars Kieron Moore , Hazel Court , and Ian Hunter . The story is that of young biochemist Dr Peter Blood (Kieron Moore), who returns to his hometown in Co...

This is a tough one. On one hand, this is as bad as always, but on the other, it's light years ahead of most of the stuff generally featured here. Because of this, it's hard for me to actually consider it bad, but considering the amount of questionable artistic decisions - and I use the work "artistic" extremely lightly here - I'm going to feature it anyway. Let's start with the obvious, the tagline. "Danny was perfectly normal, except...he glowed in the dark." First of all, you say this as if it's a detriment, when really it's a bonus. In what world is that a negative trait? No more flashlights, no more night lights, plus you'd be the most popular person at a rave. Danny's got nothing but a life of excitement ahead of him, believe me. He's gonna LITERALLY be the light in someones life! In fact, I'd wager to say that glowing in the dark is not nearly as bad as his bizarre size as a baby. Why is Danny the size of a Corgi? One o...

You know, I know it's common place for men to call their beloved objects by female pronouns, for example when referring to their classic Camaro they may say "Isn't she a beaut?", but I think this one might go a little too far. Master Blaster, contrary to what its cover might indicate, is sadly not a film about a maniacal evil genius who makes tiny women into guns, which is a shame, because that sounds endlessly entertaining. Instead it's a pretty cut and paste concept we've seen a million times before regarding a competition based around money that goes horribly horribly wrong, much like the production of this movie I would imagine. Front art aside, I think my personal favorite part of this box design is the spine, which I can only assume was intentionally left blank so when friends viewed your shelf of films they didn't see this alongside others. The artwork on the spine looks like the cheap tablecloth used at a local family run pizzeria, which only makes...

I'm a bit torn, I admit. On one hand, the name Twinsanity is so stupid that I can't help but love it, on the other, its alternate title, Goodbye Gemini, is so cool that I feel it's the more appropriate title when trying to sell the film to a wider audience. I'm just not sure which I really wanna like more, but for the sake of this post, we'll be calling it Twinsanity, just because this blog is about dumb VHS decisions and it don't get dumber than pun titles like that. Released in 1970, it is a British psychological horror film based on the novel "Ask Agamemnon" (a title which is somehow the worst of all 3 despite being the original) by author Jenni Hall. It's a run of the mill film about a pair of unusually close pseudo incestuous twins who commit a murder, and then deal with the aftermath. Nothing too fancy or original here, to be honest. But this isn't a review blog. Well, it kinda is, but not of the films. This is a blog about the artwork pr...

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that werewolf sure resembles an angry terrier more than it resembles a werewolf. Not that angry terriers aren't horrifying. They can be vicious little bastards. I'm just saying...if you're going to make a werewolf, make a werewolf, not something that resembles your aunts pissy little dog. Then again, we are discussing yet another Italian horror movie made in 1976 which is barely horror from what I've read, so perhaps I'm asking too much from them. Either way, "Werewolf Woman", which is a terrible title but not nearly as terrible as some of the alternatives which we'll discuss in a second, is yet another example of a film in which a woman is raped, then makes that entire incident her characterization. In fact, the sexual assaults seems to weigh more on her as a person than the fact that, you know, she's a goddamned werewolf. And I'm not trying to speak lightly of people who've endured sexual assa...

Sometimes, while doing research for this blog and covers to feature, I come across something so extremely awful that it just begs me to feature it and this is one of those. And perhaps, at first glance, this doesn't look all that bad. I mean, it looks bad, but not laughably bad, but no, I assure you, by the end of this post, you will understand why this is so bad, because there's so much wrong with this that it's almost impossible to know where to start. First of all, this is a grown ass woman, not a schoolgirl, and secondly she doesn't look particularly terrified of her situation. If anything, she looks mildly amused, like this is a game of musical chairs that got just a bit out of hand. Also that font does not fit this box tonally whatsoever. I get that it looks like a childish font, like something used in a school by a schoolgirl, but that doesn't mean it's what should be used. Things of this nature should have creepy fonts, not something that looks like it...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the video rental store... We're back with yet another monster fish movie, because that is just such a super viable subgenre on the horror world for some reason. And I guess it's not that surprising, in the end. The ocean is endless, vast and practically unsearched, so we don't know what horrors lie in wait, and that's pretty terrifying. That being said, this is one of the more mixed box arts I've covered, because it's both awesome and terrible, somehow. Before we move on, let's just state the obvious...DevilFish is a TERRIBLE title. There's no getting around that, alright. It makes it sound like Satan possessed a giant fish and is now causing havoc off the shore of a beach, and that's just lame, man. Satan's got better things to do. Also, the tagline, while not terrible, is actually pretty bad in this context, as it implies the viewer is the DevilFish, seeing as humans don't sink their teeth int...

Well, I gotta hand it to 'em, they certainly found a title that explains outright what the movie is. I mean, let's face it, it doesn't get much more direct than "The Demon Murder Case." Not only does it specify what kind of court case is being handled here, but who's being arraigned as well. Yessir, really knocked it outta the park with that one. And despite this being a seemingly actual movie, starring Kevin Bacon and Andy Griffith (a more bizarre pairing you could not produce) and produced by Dick Clark Cinema of all companies and people, that doesn't let this box art off the hook. I mean this thing is...wow. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen obviously, not even close in fact to the worst thing featured on this blog thusfar, but it's also not exactly excusable. Who's great idea was it to combine Bacon's face with that of a demon? Because kudos to you, sir or madame, because that's hilarious. That isn't threatening. That ...

You know how there's people who call every single soda a "Coke" or every single Pokemon a "Pikachu"? I feel like Bigfoot is lumped into that group as well. Even though Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot are all 4 different cryptids by definition, it feels like they all just get called Bigfoot no matter what, and frankly I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of this box art. Why's this Yeti look like he's about to score a backboard shattering slam dunk in the Alaskan NBA? I'm also a little confused at the font that looks like it'd be on a hundred year old copy of Pinnochio, but at least it's trying to be unique. It's not just some generally ubiquitous font, so I'll give them that much credit. Actually, I'll also give them credit for sticking the Yeti head on the spine. That's a neat little touch. But that's about where the compliments end, honestly. And it's weird because this isn't a terrible box, but i...

"Honey, your prom date, Hanged Slightly Overweight Limo Chauffeur, is here!" Twice Dead, a title that would've worked better for the 2nd movie in a series rather than the first but who's arguing semantics at this point on the blog, is a 1988 directed by Bert Dragin, a man who somehow has simultaneously the best and worst names combined. Not gonna lie, at first glance, I almost thought this was a somewhat educational tape for beginner special effects artists who wanted to learn the trade, thanks to that rather innocuous tagline, "The Ultimate Special Effect". Maybe not the best idea to put it there, and in such goofy font, compared to the wicked cool title font. So, what is Twice Dead? Well the synopsis reads as such: The Cates family is thrilled to learn they have inherited the old mansion of the deranged stage actor, Tyler Walker. They arrive to discover that the mansion has turned into a playground for a local street gang. But the gang is not all the Ca...