The Mutant Kid

This is a tough one.

On one hand, this is as bad as always, but on the other, it's light years ahead of most of the stuff generally featured here. Because of this, it's hard for me to actually consider it bad, but considering the amount of questionable artistic decisions - and I use the work "artistic" extremely lightly here - I'm going to feature it anyway. Let's start with the obvious, the tagline.

"Danny was perfectly normal, except...he glowed in the dark."

First of all, you say this as if it's a detriment, when really it's a bonus. In what world is that a negative trait? No more flashlights, no more night lights, plus you'd be the most popular person at a rave. Danny's got nothing but a life of excitement ahead of him, believe me. He's gonna LITERALLY be the light in someones life! In fact, I'd wager to say that glowing in the dark is not nearly as bad as his bizarre size as a baby. Why is Danny the size of a Corgi? One of my favorite things in art is people who don't know how to portray babies, portraying babies. It's especially prevalent in old paintings, and god damn is it hilarious.

But let's ignore Danny's obvious pituitary problem for a moment, and instead focus on the undead grandma who appears to be about to take a bite out of him. That, to me, is a lot more concerning. Thankfully grandma's teeth are fake, but still. I can't believe I even have to say this, but...don't bite babies. They don't really like it. But there's so much more to this than just the artwork, you guys. This entire piece is a treasure trove of hilarity. Let's move onto the back of the box, where the description states:

"Danny was tragically born an orphan."

That's literally impossible. That is scientifically and biologically impossible. You cannot be born an orphan. In fact, the mere act of birth negates the definition of orphan. You can become an orphan, after you're born, but you cannot BE born an orphan. Let's follow this up with the fact that the villains name is Doctor Drake, a less intimidating name I can't imagine. Drake is not a scary name. It's like naming your villain The Evil Lord Ted. That just don't work, man. But perhaps the most damning issue with the blurb is the end, where it states:

"But within the wilderness there lurks an evil, more horrific and blood thirsty than Drake's pack of wolves...a monster driven by hate...a creature seeking revenge. Danny's mother!"

Mother fucker there he AIN'T AN ORPHAN. Make up your mind, guys! Either his parents are dead, or they're not! To become an orphan, your parents need to be deceased. That's how it works. His mom isn't dead, she's just a mutant. He's not an orphan. He's just maybe a little embarrassed to invite his mother to his wedding, and understandably so, she'd probably eat the guests. Honestly, this box altogether is actually very well designed. The little skyline in the back melded with the screencaps, and the title font is solid, and the art is humorous but not outright awful. But there's just some very strange decisions, and that's what makes it earn its spot on this blog. My personal favorite thing? The warning at the bottom on the back.

There's so much here that's great. Copyright by Screen Entertainment, because that's a real company that's not a tax shelter somewhere. Mono compatible. Gee, I'd hope so. I'd hope it'd have the basic necessities to hear the audio. That's a nice little touch, thanks guys. But the absolute best part of this image has to be the "Warning: Your attention is drawn to the copyright warning on the cassette." There's so much in this loaded sentence to pick apart. First of all, that's not a warning. That's just a general statement. Are you threatening me with the copyright warning on the cassette? Like "You'd better read this, or we'll kill your dog!" because that's kinda weird. Secondly, why isn't the warning on the box? Why put the warning to read the warning here, instead of the warning outright? This is like people who ask "Can I ask you a question?" before asking a question. It's redundant.

Also what a boring fucking title. "The Mutant Kid". You could've come up with something even just a smidge better if you'd spent more than 3 minutes on the premise, filming and distribution of this entire movie. Dimly lit Danny deserved better than this, man.

So I suppose that's that.

Here's a toast to Danny, who...glows in the dark. As if that's somehow a bad thing. I guess if you're trying to commit crimes it could become a problem. I just think it's good to wrap up the holiday season with a heartfelt movie about a mother defending her clearly magical glowing child. Danny's the real savior we should be praying to for Christmas, let's be honest. I'm Jewish, and yet this image looks biblical to me.

I'm gonna make a nativity scene featuring this baby.

Welp, that's it for 2022 folks. See you back here in 2023 for more hilarious pseudo sacrilegious box art!