Be Kind, Rewind

Well, I gotta hand it to 'em, they certainly found a title that explains outright what the movie is. I mean, let's face it, it doesn't get much more direct than "The Demon Murder Case." Not only does it specify what kind of court case is being handled here, but who's being arraigned as well. Yessir, really knocked it outta the park with that one. And despite this being a seemingly actual movie, starring Kevin Bacon and Andy Griffith (a more bizarre pairing you could not produce) and produced by Dick Clark Cinema of all companies and people, that doesn't let this box art off the hook. I mean this thing is...wow. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen obviously, not even close in fact to the worst thing featured on this blog thusfar, but it's also not exactly excusable. Who's great idea was it to combine Bacon's face with that of a demon? Because kudos to you, sir or madame, because that's hilarious. That isn't threatening. That ...

This is...I don't even know how to start this one, quite honestly, you guys. I guess I'll state that it only makes sense that there's a sticker on it from a place called Movie America, because only Americans could make something so absolutely fucking awful. The colors, the layout, the fonts, everything about this shits the bed. The title of the fucking thing is on the front, the spine AND the back, ya know, just in case you forgot in the last 30 seconds or something. Thanks for the constant reminder. God forbid I might've forgotten what it was called otherwise, without your incessant reiteration! And while the layout of this case is nothing particularly awful - in fact, regular readers will recognize at this point that it's fairly standard, honestly, for the time period - it's also somehow even worse than others that follow the same design. First of all, and I really wish I could stop saying this but apparently enough people disagree, but the font on the spine i...

Listen, it's okay to have a room dedicated to Exorcism, maybe even two, but a whole entire house? That's just greedy. Surely you live with other people who want to use that house and those rooms for their own purposes, who says it's up to you that the entirety of the home is to be dedicated solely to the act of Exorcism? Rude, quite frankly, you selfish twit. Why can't you just rent a hotel room like normal people who perform their nefarious acts out of the public eye. Honestly, at first glance, there's a lot to enjoy from this box. Let's start with the director, the man, the myth, the legend...Mickey Lion. What a fantastic name. Not to be confused with Mikey Lion , who is the top hat-wearing leader of The San Diego based Desert Hearts Crew, who, biannually, throw the 70-hour nonstop Desert Hearts Festival with the mantra "House, Techno, & Love" as its tagline. No, Mickey Lion is a man so mysterious that he cannot be traced. Maybe he went into...

I spend a lot of my time writing, as evidenced by the constant updating of these blogs. This means, inevitably, that I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to promote said writing, which generally ends up with me thinking of easy to swallow catchphrases or brief paragraphs that explain the work it is I'm trying to share. With that being said, I can not , for the life of me, no matter how hard I try, think of a worse tagline for something than "You'll Sweat Blood." That doesn't sound like an advertisement for a horror movie, that sounds like a side effect of some bad medication. Like, that tells me absolutely nothing except that this movie apparently intends to do me bodily harm just by watching it, which, looking at this box, I fully believe. I'm glad they give us a list of people responsible for this nightmare, but it's a rather weird decision to stick that list on the front cover right under your art. Still, it's nice to know who's house to ...

I'm not even going to start this one by making the obvious fart joke, because the company themselves already leaned into it. It's the tagline on both the top AND bottom of the box for god sakes! So let's just skip any demon fart jokes we might have thought of, no matter how much a gas they might've gone, and dive right into this sucker. This is, actually, vintage 90s horror movie box art right here. This is peak horror movie box art, really. And almost quality so, even, if not for a few minor things that need to be discussed. The first of these things is the description on the back, which makes it sound like, despite the image on the front, these people are being haunted by literal wind, which...I mean, I hate wind too, but I wouldn't call it a demon. Sure, it's irritating and it gets in your face and it blows all your papers around, but come on. Also the tagline on the back of the box is even worse than the preceding two on the front. Like, where as the ...