Blood On Satan's Claw

This is...I don't even know how to start this one, quite honestly, you guys.

I guess I'll state that it only makes sense that there's a sticker on it from a place called Movie America, because only Americans could make something so absolutely fucking awful. The colors, the layout, the fonts, everything about this shits the bed. The title of the fucking thing is on the front, the spine AND the back, ya know, just in case you forgot in the last 30 seconds or something. Thanks for the constant reminder. God forbid I might've forgotten what it was called otherwise, without your incessant reiteration!

And while the layout of this case is nothing particularly awful - in fact, regular readers will recognize at this point that it's fairly standard, honestly, for the time period - it's also somehow even worse than others that follow the same design. First of all, and I really wish I could stop saying this but apparently enough people disagree, but the font on the spine is BACKWARDS. It should be reversed. Secondly, let's talk about that artwork on the front. If it even merits being called such a thing. I mean, let's take a nice, close look at this thing, shall we?

What the fuck is that supposed to be? Is that what people think Satan looks like? He looks like a Bengal tiger mixed with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. And why is his fucking claw so massive in comparison to his head? And the look on that girls face, the fact that she's naked, the whole thing really gives off a more erotic vibe than a horror vibe. This isn't Satan hurting someone. This is Satan gettin' his fuck on.

Look at her 'come hither' face, she's not terrified, she's turned on. She's got the prince of darkness gently caressing her golden wheat hair, and the whole thing is just surrounded in a pink smog. This is nearly pornographic, in a way. This does not, in any manner of the word, speak "horror". Who in their right mind thought this might be "scary"? I'm not scared. I'm slightly aroused, but I'm not scared. That soft robins egg blue font color and the pink background, mixed with the beautiful woman looking behind her somewhat seductively, this is eroticism in the 80s at its finest. It is not, by any means, scary. And I simply cannot get over how absolutely awful the design on "Satan" is. That's just...the most goofy half assed creature design, and I kinda love it for that reason, but I also recognize how stupid it is too. But, here's a fun fact, apparently it's not even Satan!

According to the Wikipedia article for this film, the plot goes thusly.

"In early 18th-century England, Ralph Gower uncovers a deformed skull with one intact eye and strange fur while ploughing. He insists that local judge look at it, but it has vanished and the judge disregards what he sees as Ralph's supernatural fears. Meanwhile, Peter Edmonton brings his fiancee, Rosalind Barton, to meet his aunt, Mistress Banham, with whom the judge is staying. Mistress Banham and the judge disapprove of the match and arrange for Rosalind to sleep in a disused attic room. Rosalind begins screaming during the night and injures Banham when she investigates, causing her to fall mysteriously ill.

Despite Peter’s protests, the judge arranges to have Rosalind committed; as she is led out, Peter sees that she has sprouted a monstrous claw. Meanwhile, three children find a claw, from the deformed body from which the skull presumably came, while playing next to a field. That evening, Mistress Banham disappears. Convinced that the house contains evil, Peter sneaks into the attic room at night and is attacked by a creature with a furred claw. He tries to hack it with a knife but, when the judge bursts in, he finds that Peter has severed his own hand. Though skeptical of supernatural involvement, the judge borrows a book on witchcraft. The next day, the judge departs for London, leaving the pompous and slow-witted Squire Middleton in charge, but promises to return."

Apparently it's just called that because the town falls under demonic possession, it's not really Satan proper. Apparently, as near as I can figure from this vague and generally somewhat confusing synopsis, it's just a regular ol' lady who grows a monster claw because a deformed skull with one eye was found. And apparently there's also another one walking around? Really hard to make heads or tails of this plot, honestly. I will admit, however, as somewhat frustratingly obtuse as this synopsis might be, at least it's a synopsis, as opposed to the literal 2 sentences the back cover of this VHS gives you. Like, what in the fresh hell? That doesn't tell anyone anything! I get wanting to preserve the mystery, make it more enticing to a potential viewer, but fuck dude, you didn't write a damn thing! And what weird fucking imagery to use too...a woman opening up her blouse, and a knock off Zorro/3 Musketeers baby. I am just...man, my head hurts.

Is this the worst box I've ever discussed? No. Not by a longshot. But it has such serious strange offenses that I can't let it slide, even if the movie, from what I've read, is actually fairly decent. Apparently it holds a 60% on Rotten Tomatoes. For what it's worth, the film had a different title before it was brought to the states. Initially called "The Devil's Touch" (which is pretty solid, honestly) but then changed to "Satan's Skin" (eh, still better than what we got, I guess) before finally being bought for the US and changed to "Blood On Satan's Claw", which is...just...awful. And apparently it was a financial disappointment, which has to hurt considering the budget was $82,000 bones. That's rough, pal.

All jabs aside, this is by far one of the tamest covers I've ever featured here, but because of its complete and utter lack of a synopsis on the back, its generic visual layout, its poor choice in screenshots and its bizarre artistry on the front, it deserved to be mentioned. But it could've been worse. We could've gotten the Australian Betamax version, which, according to it's synopsis, features Satan's dismembered Claw getting all hot and bothered over a simple farmhand. What the actual fuck.