Be Kind, Rewind

This is a tough one. On one hand, this is as bad as always, but on the other, it's light years ahead of most of the stuff generally featured here. Because of this, it's hard for me to actually consider it bad, but considering the amount of questionable artistic decisions - and I use the work "artistic" extremely lightly here - I'm going to feature it anyway. Let's start with the obvious, the tagline. "Danny was perfectly normal, except...he glowed in the dark." First of all, you say this as if it's a detriment, when really it's a bonus. In what world is that a negative trait? No more flashlights, no more night lights, plus you'd be the most popular person at a rave. Danny's got nothing but a life of excitement ahead of him, believe me. He's gonna LITERALLY be the light in someones life! In fact, I'd wager to say that glowing in the dark is not nearly as bad as his bizarre size as a baby. Why is Danny the size of a Corgi? One o...

Have you ever seen a drawing that, once you laid eyes upon it, you were certain it would kill you? That's how I feel about this fucking bear. In fact, this entire tape looks like some sort of warped cursed item from the shop in Needful Things, to be quite honest with you. This thing isn't appropriate for kids, this thing is barely appropriate for unborn fetuses. And they have the audacity, the sheer gall, to state you have a lifetime guarantee with this tape and their other products in the same line? This thing will kill you, that doesn't sound like a lifetime guarantee to me! For the record, I have nothing against educational tapes. Being a kid of the 90s, these sorts of things were a big deal, and hell, I watched a ton of PBS because it was educational and entertaining. But judging from the cover of this tape, and the covers of the (presumably) other tapes available on the back...this doesn't look educational or entertaining. It looks confusing and traumatizing if an...

I would apologize for not having a better quality image of the box of this, but I have to research these, so I'm not apologizing for anything. If anyone should apologize to anyone, it should be you apologizing to me for reading this blog and thus creating demand for me to find these stupid movies and then write about them. Don't you know the damage you're doing? There isn't even much to say, because there's not much information, kind of like the last box, but I couldn't let this one slide, because while there might not be a plethora of information available, I have a lot to discuss regarding this whole hot mess, so let's get into it. First off, this doesn't even qualify as a box image. This is literally just a still from the movie, I'm assuming, blown up (see, see what you're making me do, you're making me make balloon puns, are you fucking proud of yourselves now?) to insufferable quality and then superimposed behind shitty font as the ...

I'd like to start off this post by apologizing for having been so absent, but I got very very sick recently, and no, it wasn't because of this VHS cover, although one could claim it makes them ill. I'd like to follow up that apology by apologizing to myself for allowing myself to come back to this blog and doing this post. Because it's the holiday season, I've decided to go ahead and get you all a present, and it's right there, under the tree. Go unwrap it, you little rascal! Do you like what I've gotten you? I know, it's a turd covered in sparkles and glitter, you're welcome! Let's get christmasy, bitch. Christy, subtitled, Santa's First Female Reindeer, is clearly a groundbreaking achievement for the feminist movement, I think we can all agree. Christy doesn't care about your goddamned glass ceilings and gender roles, she's here to pull that fuckin' sled. This box is just...atrocious. There's no other word for it. It...

  I don't know about you, but this thing scares me. When I shut my eyes at night, all I see now is Beezbo's face on the black of my inner eyelids. He haunts me everywhere I turn, and there is no escape, no reprieve from the ethereal horror that is goddamned Beezbo the...whatever the living fuck he is. Bear? Space bear? He kinda looks like a bear right? But like a mutant space bear, or like a bear from the Ferangi homeworld. Now, I'd like to be clear here, I always take the time to try and find full box art for you guys. Unfortunately, or in this case perhaps fortunately, I could not track down the back box art of this thing, and maybe that's for the best, because who the hell knows what was on it and if it's even safe to view. I honestly, upon seeing this thing, expected my face to melt like in an Indiana Jones movie. There's not a lot going on visually, exactly, and it's not necessarily horrendous. It's no Invisible Strangler, that's for su...