Be Kind, Rewind

This is a hard one to be mad about, because, if we're being totally honest...I genuinely kinda love this. It's one of those "so ridiculous it's great" examples, because there's not really anything super outstanding or downright original about it, design wise, but it's also so out there that I can't help but appreciate it on multiple levels that even I, quite frankly, don't fully understand. The cover is what it is, an attractive young woman covered in blood - a visual that a demented horror loving lesbian like myself can't help but adore - and the back has her in short shorts and a hawaiin-esque shirt while brandishing a pistol, ready to smoke anyone who comes near her. Clearly, a woman after my own heart. She might eat that heart, but hey, that's the price you pay for love I guess. Then we've got the screenshots which, aside from the first and third, are pretty spectacular in and of themselves because for once, even outside of context ...

I have, like, so many questions. Every now and then I'll come across a box art that doesn't disgust me as much as it bewilders me, and this is one of those times. I can't really talk shit about the art itself, because - quite frankly - it's not all that bad. It's well drawn, it's detailed, and what colors do exist are very appropriate for the subject matter. But it's just so god damned confusing that it warrants a discussion no matter what. Let's first ask why, perhaps, this man appears to be butchering shrunken women. Does his kitchen have an infestation of small fairy like ladies that's gotten out of hand? What did these poor tiny women ever do to this man to deserve such a brutal end? And also, why is he attacking her with a butcher knife when she's so clearly already inside of a meat grinder? Just crank it, dude. You don't need to stab her. Maybe it's cause she has bones, and that's harder to grind, maybe that's why he needs t...

You guys. Come on, you guys. This isn't hard. Why is it so tough for you to make something that isn't incomprehensible visually? I just...I don't even know anymore, man. Every single week I have to come back here and teach you guys about graphic design, and you're the ones presumably doing graphic design for a living. How is this even possible? Alright, let's get into it, I guess. For what it's worth, let's start with a compliment, and that's that the artwork itself isn't all that bad. That's a nice look eyeball, despite the title making it sound like there's multiple eyes, but whatever. Let's ignore that for now. But seriously, top notch artistry went into visually crafting that eyeball, and I love him. The bleakness of the background, the city in the distance, the woman who - I'm assuming is a victim, unless that's HER eyeball that crawled out of her skull, which would make sense given she's covering her face with her hand -...

This fucking thing, man. There's so much wrong with this, and all its subsequent variants, which we'll also cover. Let's start with the sheer fact that this womans proportions are absolutely ridiculous. I'm not a very big breasted lady myself, but holy god damn, this woman is more tit than person at this point. Seriously, this lady probably has back problems because of the size of her chest, it's ludicrous. I'm not against using sex to sell something, and sex and horror often go hand in hand, but this thing is oversexed to the point where it makes me almost wonder if it's just a porn parody of a horror movie. Of course I know it's not, but still. The images on the back are of no help, because we have a woman screaming at seemingly nothing, a man who appears to be aiming a gun, and then just TNA everywhere else. They were really depending on horny movie goers to rent this flick. Also the grey surrounding everything else is just an odd color choice and kin...

Listen, it's okay to have a room dedicated to Exorcism, maybe even two, but a whole entire house? That's just greedy. Surely you live with other people who want to use that house and those rooms for their own purposes, who says it's up to you that the entirety of the home is to be dedicated solely to the act of Exorcism? Rude, quite frankly, you selfish twit. Why can't you just rent a hotel room like normal people who perform their nefarious acts out of the public eye. Honestly, at first glance, there's a lot to enjoy from this box. Let's start with the director, the man, the myth, the legend...Mickey Lion. What a fantastic name. Not to be confused with Mikey Lion , who is the top hat-wearing leader of The San Diego based Desert Hearts Crew, who, biannually, throw the 70-hour nonstop Desert Hearts Festival with the mantra "House, Techno, & Love" as its tagline. No, Mickey Lion is a man so mysterious that he cannot be traced. Maybe he went into...

If there's one thing in the world you should never be scared of or feel threatened by, it's a severed limb, even if that limb is sentient. Like, this is the single most unterrifying concept I could've ever conceived of, and it's just so gloriously stupid. What the fuck is an arm gonna do to you? Gesture at you menacingly? At worst, it's gonna give you the finger. I will give this box art this much credit: I've never seen anything so simultaneously awesome a concept and hideous an execution, so, kudos, I guess? Like, when you look at this picture, the image you see is an arm on the front, but that arm is extending from the back of the box cover and is attached, very un severedly might I add, to a human man. There's also the obligatory terrible screenshots, a weird unholy yellow stripe across the bottom giving us the cast, and why this has to be "uncensored" is beyond me, because unless that arm is going to get up to some rather unfamily frie...

I spend a lot of my time writing, as evidenced by the constant updating of these blogs. This means, inevitably, that I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to promote said writing, which generally ends up with me thinking of easy to swallow catchphrases or brief paragraphs that explain the work it is I'm trying to share. With that being said, I can not , for the life of me, no matter how hard I try, think of a worse tagline for something than "You'll Sweat Blood." That doesn't sound like an advertisement for a horror movie, that sounds like a side effect of some bad medication. Like, that tells me absolutely nothing except that this movie apparently intends to do me bodily harm just by watching it, which, looking at this box, I fully believe. I'm glad they give us a list of people responsible for this nightmare, but it's a rather weird decision to stick that list on the front cover right under your art. Still, it's nice to know who's house to ...