Be Kind, Rewind

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the video rental store... We're back with yet another monster fish movie, because that is just such a super viable subgenre on the horror world for some reason. And I guess it's not that surprising, in the end. The ocean is endless, vast and practically unsearched, so we don't know what horrors lie in wait, and that's pretty terrifying. That being said, this is one of the more mixed box arts I've covered, because it's both awesome and terrible, somehow. Before we move on, let's just state the obvious...DevilFish is a TERRIBLE title. There's no getting around that, alright. It makes it sound like Satan possessed a giant fish and is now causing havoc off the shore of a beach, and that's just lame, man. Satan's got better things to do. Also, the tagline, while not terrible, is actually pretty bad in this context, as it implies the viewer is the DevilFish, seeing as humans don't sink their teeth int...

So, I have questions. I can't be guaranteed I'll be given answers, but I have questions nonetheless. I suppose my first question would be what in the fresh hell is going on on this cover? Because for all intents and purposes, it appears that a man has just fisted a VHS box - violently, I might add, given the blood on his hand - while a well armed member of the Gay Agenda looks on in shock at the sinful display of heterosexuality going on just within his peripheral vision. Also, and maybe this doesn't matter since I'm a lesbian, but I would never fuck a man named Jason Blade. I mean, that's the kind of name a teenager gives his edgy self insert. Also, the description on the back basically tells you everything that's going to happen, leaving no mystery, so you don't even need to watch the movie, you can just read the movie. But the odd thing is, this is the only piece I could find for Fists of Blood, because it also went by a second title, a title much cheesie...

Man, what is it with low budget flicks and chopping up then devouring women? I swear to god, how many times have we covered some variant of this concept on this blog thusfar? It's a genre unto itself, at this point, I reckon. Whether we're talking about The Mad Butcher or Crazy Fat Ethel 2 , it's pretty common for cannibalism and murder to go hand in hand in a sub genre all its own, but this is getting ridiculous. At least this time around it's more comedic than just comically bad, which I guess is a step up in the same way that getting punched in the dick is a step up from getting kicked in the dick. One hurts less than the other, I assume. Either way, we have some excellent cover work for a change, despite being tied to a movie called Microwave Massacre which sounds like something a group of college kids would come up with after their 4th joint on a Saturday night. And that isn't an insult, for the record, I think it's hilarious, and the art is tremendous. No...

It's not often something like "Night of the Strangler" would be the kindest title given to a film, but here we are. I'm not even kidding, you guys. You wanna know what some of the other titles for this film were? The Ace of Spaces, which sounds like a scifi movie, Dirty Dan or Dirty Dan's Woman, which sounds like a Western about a lone gunman hunting down a woman who did him wrong for revenge, Vengeance is Mine which is...just...so very vague and, quite possibly the worst of them all has to be Is The Father Black Enough? Because wow, that's just...that's a hell of a title. Even better than the title, however, is the tagline for it, which read thusly, "A racist wind blows the dust from a Black man's grave to choke the honkies to death!" Absolutely magnificent, honestly. The film is fairly poorly produced it seems, with boom mics being notably visible in multiple shots, and, even weirder, despite both a lyricist and vocalist being credited, abs...

I have, like, so many questions. Every now and then I'll come across a box art that doesn't disgust me as much as it bewilders me, and this is one of those times. I can't really talk shit about the art itself, because - quite frankly - it's not all that bad. It's well drawn, it's detailed, and what colors do exist are very appropriate for the subject matter. But it's just so god damned confusing that it warrants a discussion no matter what. Let's first ask why, perhaps, this man appears to be butchering shrunken women. Does his kitchen have an infestation of small fairy like ladies that's gotten out of hand? What did these poor tiny women ever do to this man to deserve such a brutal end? And also, why is he attacking her with a butcher knife when she's so clearly already inside of a meat grinder? Just crank it, dude. You don't need to stab her. Maybe it's cause she has bones, and that's harder to grind, maybe that's why he needs t...

This is...I don't even know how to start this one, quite honestly, you guys. I guess I'll state that it only makes sense that there's a sticker on it from a place called Movie America, because only Americans could make something so absolutely fucking awful. The colors, the layout, the fonts, everything about this shits the bed. The title of the fucking thing is on the front, the spine AND the back, ya know, just in case you forgot in the last 30 seconds or something. Thanks for the constant reminder. God forbid I might've forgotten what it was called otherwise, without your incessant reiteration! And while the layout of this case is nothing particularly awful - in fact, regular readers will recognize at this point that it's fairly standard, honestly, for the time period - it's also somehow even worse than others that follow the same design. First of all, and I really wish I could stop saying this but apparently enough people disagree, but the font on the spine i...

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. This movies title is WILDLY misleading. Those are NOT hands of steel. That's an ARM of steel. Do you people even know what a fucking hand is ? Why didn't you just call this movie "Arms of Steel"? Because it would've worked, because guess what, guns, which are clearly used heavily in the film, are also called "arms". You would've had a double entendre movie title! But instead, you chose to stick with "hands". Which makes even LESS sense when one considers the blurb on the back cover that states "he is a superstrong half man, half machine cyborg", because guess what, if he's a cyborg, and half machine, more than just his fucking hands are steel. You could've called this thing literally ANYTHING ELSE and it would've been more appropriate and accurate to the movie. And let's not even go into the fact that the blurb also states that this movie takes place in the wildly...

If there's one thing in the world you should never be scared of or feel threatened by, it's a severed limb, even if that limb is sentient. Like, this is the single most unterrifying concept I could've ever conceived of, and it's just so gloriously stupid. What the fuck is an arm gonna do to you? Gesture at you menacingly? At worst, it's gonna give you the finger. I will give this box art this much credit: I've never seen anything so simultaneously awesome a concept and hideous an execution, so, kudos, I guess? Like, when you look at this picture, the image you see is an arm on the front, but that arm is extending from the back of the box cover and is attached, very un severedly might I add, to a human man. There's also the obligatory terrible screenshots, a weird unholy yellow stripe across the bottom giving us the cast, and why this has to be "uncensored" is beyond me, because unless that arm is going to get up to some rather unfamily frie...