Microwave Massacre
Man, what is it with low budget flicks and chopping up then devouring women?
I swear to god, how many times have we covered some variant of this concept on this blog thusfar? It's a genre unto itself, at this point, I reckon. Whether we're talking about The Mad Butcher or Crazy Fat Ethel 2, it's pretty common for cannibalism and murder to go hand in hand in a sub genre all its own, but this is getting ridiculous. At least this time around it's more comedic than just comically bad, which I guess is a step up in the same way that getting punched in the dick is a step up from getting kicked in the dick. One hurts less than the other, I assume. Either way, we have some excellent cover work for a change, despite being tied to a movie called Microwave Massacre which sounds like something a group of college kids would come up with after their 4th joint on a Saturday night.
And that isn't an insult, for the record, I think it's hilarious, and the art is tremendous. Not just the art, but the whole art direction, honestly. The title font is pretty solid, fairly consistent with what the movie probably is, and the back doesn't give us the usual vague screencaps but instead one singular image of a disembodied bloodied hand on a counter beside a butcher knife. Just enough to make your mind ask some questions, and want to watch the movie to get some answers. I personally love the big yellow "push to start" arrow pointing at the "on" button of the microwave, just in case someone from 1945 who's never seen a microwave before doesn't know exactly how they operate. Guys, this movie is from 1979, I'm pretty sure we were all fairly familiar with the microwave at that point. The arrow is funny, certainly, but sad in the fact that they thought some people might need a refresher course in how to operate it. It's got two sets of buttons, guys. Numbers and start. It isn't rocket science.
FUN FACT! This movie stars Jackie Vernon, best known for his role as the voice of Frosty the Snowman in the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. So there's something to perhaps ruin your childhood with a little bit more.
A less fun fact, however, is this was Vernon's final film role before his death, which is sad. I mean, imagine being an actor and this is what you die after. This is the legacy he leaves behind. Nothing was released posthumously, no, this was his final role. What a shame.
Either way, the artwork on this, and the whole design of the thing, is pretty fantastic, not gonna lie. I like the viewpoint, the painting, the coloring, the font design, the whole shebang. You know, usually I just complain about these boxes, but lately I've actually find myself rather liking most of the ones we've looked at. But fear not! I have variants to complain about! I'm not getting that soft hearted yet. So let's take a look at one of those variants, shall we?
Like, if I may just go off on a little rant here real quick, presumably the arms are on the inside of the microwave, yes? They're being cooked. I don't know how someone manages to fit 6 separate arms in a microwave - unless they're very small arms, perhaps previously belonging to children, but that's a whole separate discussion I don't really want to have right now - but whatever, that's the basic idea? But why is the villains head in the microwave? I get maybe they're trying to say he's looking in hungrily as they cook, but the angling is all wrong, his head looks like it's also in the microwave being cooked. This is just bad on every conceivable perspective level. There's nothing here that makes visual sense. And of course, we're gifted with the usual vague enough but somewhat intriguing if you can manage to make out what you're looking at screencaps on the back. All in all, this thing is a nightmare of graphic design, and not a cool nightmare. Not a "I'm robbing banks with Nick Cage" kind of nightmare. More like a "I had sex with my aunt" nightmare.
But that brings us to the third version.
Whereas the last had absolutely nothing to like about this, this has so much to like about it.
Sure, the first is the most generic. It's the one you'd likely see on a shelf. But this third one? This is hands down the best. Alright, it too suffers from the generic screencaps on the back, but they're much better than the previous one's at least, and the font here is a lot more in line with what would be expected, looking somewhat digital like microwave numbers would look. The coloration of the box itself, the red, is pretty alright, and kind of works for the tone of the whole thing, but what really makes this box shine is not just the artwork, which is tremendous in its own right, but also a few things I noticed myself that have seemingly nothing to do with the box or the movie.
Like last weeks post where I talked about that rad ass Gorgon Video logo, this too has a fantastic logo for a company called Midnight Video. A cute little skeleton in a tuxedo and top hat, like a more fancy Crypt Keeper, and I myself am a fan of the Select A Tape brand, which just sounds like a terrible mail in cassette group. You know those groups they used to have where you signed up and for a nominal fee they sent you dozens upon dozens of terrible CDs? That's what I picture this as. Well, I actually did some digging, so before we talk about the art on this box, we're gonna talk about Midnight Video and Select A Tape.
Midnight Video, a sub label of the adult label Wonderful World of Video and a trademark of Select A Tape, only released 9 features until they disappeared completely. It's a shame, because they almost seemed like a Something Weird or Shout! Factory but for a bygone era. In fact the Select A Tape VHS's are perhaps among the most rare and sought after in the collection market simply because of their limited run, so that's kind of neat. Anyway, don't know if it's information you wanted, but it's information I felt compelled to give you, so do with it what you will.
So you may notice on these two variants they both state the movie is a "spoof" or "comedy". I haven't seen the movie, so I can't attest to that claim, but I think it does give the whole thing a better sense of validity, at least.
Anyway, the artwork on this last one is fantastic, the angle is great, the colors are great, the perspective is great although I do feel I have to nitpick and state that microwaves do not have a "well done" button. It's not an oven, it's a microwave. Microwaves cook the ever loving shit out of whatever is in them, so arguably EVERY button is a well done button on a microwave. But whatever, it isn't all that important. I think this box easily takes the cake, or the severed head, whatever fills your gullet I guess, for the best of the bunch. And, as I said with the Gorgon logo, I'd easily get the Midnight Video logo tattooed on me as well. I should start a new blog just covering cool unknown VHS company logos. That's an interesting idea, right?
I leave you now with this review for the movie, which made me giggle like a cannibalistic maniac.
"Despite utterly failing as comedy, horror or pornography, the film is grotesque enough in design and attitude to be fascinating, much like a car accident."
I have to say, if your movie is compared to a car accident, I guess the only place to go from there is up, career wise.
Or the morgue.
Depends how bad the accident was, I guess.
Comments
Post a Comment