Be Kind, Rewind

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that werewolf sure resembles an angry terrier more than it resembles a werewolf. Not that angry terriers aren't horrifying. They can be vicious little bastards. I'm just saying...if you're going to make a werewolf, make a werewolf, not something that resembles your aunts pissy little dog. Then again, we are discussing yet another Italian horror movie made in 1976 which is barely horror from what I've read, so perhaps I'm asking too much from them. Either way, "Werewolf Woman", which is a terrible title but not nearly as terrible as some of the alternatives which we'll discuss in a second, is yet another example of a film in which a woman is raped, then makes that entire incident her characterization. In fact, the sexual assaults seems to weigh more on her as a person than the fact that, you know, she's a goddamned werewolf. And I'm not trying to speak lightly of people who've endured sexual assa...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the video rental store... We're back with yet another monster fish movie, because that is just such a super viable subgenre on the horror world for some reason. And I guess it's not that surprising, in the end. The ocean is endless, vast and practically unsearched, so we don't know what horrors lie in wait, and that's pretty terrifying. That being said, this is one of the more mixed box arts I've covered, because it's both awesome and terrible, somehow. Before we move on, let's just state the obvious...DevilFish is a TERRIBLE title. There's no getting around that, alright. It makes it sound like Satan possessed a giant fish and is now causing havoc off the shore of a beach, and that's just lame, man. Satan's got better things to do. Also, the tagline, while not terrible, is actually pretty bad in this context, as it implies the viewer is the DevilFish, seeing as humans don't sink their teeth int...

You know how there's people who call every single soda a "Coke" or every single Pokemon a "Pikachu"? I feel like Bigfoot is lumped into that group as well. Even though Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot are all 4 different cryptids by definition, it feels like they all just get called Bigfoot no matter what, and frankly I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of this box art. Why's this Yeti look like he's about to score a backboard shattering slam dunk in the Alaskan NBA? I'm also a little confused at the font that looks like it'd be on a hundred year old copy of Pinnochio, but at least it's trying to be unique. It's not just some generally ubiquitous font, so I'll give them that much credit. Actually, I'll also give them credit for sticking the Yeti head on the spine. That's a neat little touch. But that's about where the compliments end, honestly. And it's weird because this isn't a terrible box, but i...

You know, any movie that just sticks a generic title on it - whether or not the movie is excellent or terrible - deserves to be mocked. You really couldn't come up with anything better than "The Great Alligator"? I know it's also titled just "Alligator", but that's even more boring. At least with the "great" in there you have the hope he might be an alligator who's also a magician or something. Just the singular addition of that word immediately opens up a whole world of possibilities! What a fantastic idea, actually, an alligator magician. Claims he can make you disappear and then fucking eats you. This is yet another Gorgon release, and I have to say, this is awful. Again, their logo is the best part. The font is so-so and could work in another piece, but here it just...it doesn't do anything for the box design. It doesn't subtract anything either, don't get me wrong. It's absolutely unintrusive, which sometimes can be a g...

Have you ever seen a drawing that, once you laid eyes upon it, you were certain it would kill you? That's how I feel about this fucking bear. In fact, this entire tape looks like some sort of warped cursed item from the shop in Needful Things, to be quite honest with you. This thing isn't appropriate for kids, this thing is barely appropriate for unborn fetuses. And they have the audacity, the sheer gall, to state you have a lifetime guarantee with this tape and their other products in the same line? This thing will kill you, that doesn't sound like a lifetime guarantee to me! For the record, I have nothing against educational tapes. Being a kid of the 90s, these sorts of things were a big deal, and hell, I watched a ton of PBS because it was educational and entertaining. But judging from the cover of this tape, and the covers of the (presumably) other tapes available on the back...this doesn't look educational or entertaining. It looks confusing and traumatizing if an...

In what looks like a scene of a creature from the depths of the ocean trying to seduce a woman, we have the cover for Island Claws, another VHS classic steeped in genetic experiments gone awry leading to the growth of what the back blurb only describes as "a man eating creature, beyond all parameters of science and evolution". But, like, it's a crab. Like look at the front cover artwork. That's a crab, my dude. I don't usually just jump right in like this, but I'm sorry, I will not let a movie try and purposefully mislead me into thinking there's something grotesque and monstrous in it, when even the movie itself shows me on the front cover what its creature actually is. It's a giant fucking crab. This is a truly basic cover design, so basic even that I'm not sure it warrants a discussion. There's not much of note outside of the fairly well done pencil sketching on the front. The single non contextual screenshot we're given on the back is n...

I'm gonna level with you guys right out the gate...this is the funniest fucking cover I've ever seen. That bear doesn't look frightening or intimidating in the slightest, if anything, he looks like he's happy go lucky and waving to goodbye to his new human friends with a big ol' grin on his face as he heads home for the night after their long day of human/bear woodland adventures together. This bear, this fucking bear? Downright ADORABLE, son. So Willard here - that's his name now, we're calling him Willard - is the star of a movie trying to capitalize off the success of Jaws. That would be evident even without the obvious rhyming name and the flat out admittance on the back blurb. And even if Willard was remotely frightening, which he so obviously isn't, is isn't like the guys on the back cover look very scared themselves. They look more mildly upset that they have to wait for this helicopter to land or they aren't getting better reception on th...

I love these movies that try to insert horror elements into politics, as if every politician isn't a monster already in one regard or another. This one actually threw me for somewhat of a loop when I was doing research for it because it actually goes by two titles, "American Werewolf In Washington" & "Werewolf Of Washington". Part of me wants to think that maybe the "American Werewolf" part was slapped on it after the release of "American Werewolf In London" to try and ride the success of that film, but it also is hilarious because...well...where the fuck do these people think Washington is? It's in America. Saying "American Werewolf In Washington" almost insinuates that the two are somehow separate. It'd be like if I made a movie titled "Jewish Werewolf In Isreal". And I'm a Jew, I can say that. I am sadly, however, not a werewolf, but hey, a girl can dream. So, what's the film about? Well, unlike Wolf...

This woman looks more like she's having fun playfully tugging at her overshirt than she's genuinely annoyed that some creature from the depths of a watery grave is trying to drag her down to him. Oh sure lady, laugh it up, laugh it up until you're down there too, never to be seen or heard from again all because you didn't take river ghouls seriously enough to not act like you were involved in some weird playboy photo shoot when one came at you, intending to make you his prisoner wife. Lady, tut the Coppertone Girl shit and take this seriously. Along with the bizarre tone of the photo itself is the font, which, I have to admit, is pretty cool in and of itself, but really makes this feel more like some sort of weird pseudo horror themed workout video than an actual horror movie proper. Also very cute putting the actress's name, Brooke Adams, right on the water itself. Nothing like good ol' H20 related jokes to liven up a box art. And then, to top it all off, we...

    I for the life of me cannot possibly fathom why this woman seems to be shrieking in terror. She's not the apex predator here. Look at how much goddamned bigger she actually is than that shark. She should just turn around and eat him, quite frankly. The look of absolute "I can't draw a screaming face" on her...face, is pretty hilarious. I laughed pretty damn hard the first time I saw this, about 15 minutes before writing this post. And honestly, it's not just her, there's actually a lot to love about this entire box, front and back. First of all, let's get the obvious out of the way and, can't believe I even have to state this but I will, this film is CLEARLY an attempt to capitalize off the popularity of Jaws, which released only a year prior in 1975. I mean, for fucks sake, they put the words "jaws" IN the title. What more proof do you need? Honestly, the plot sounds cool enough. A man working for the marines learns he has the ability to...

    Boy do I have a doozy for you guys this time, folks.   This is a movie called, as the gigantic font taking up half the fucking front cover will tell you, "The Alien Dead". Let's just start with the fact that that's a terrible ridiculous title that really doesn't even remotely suggest what the film is about. Are the aliens dead? Are the aliens simply raising the dead? Really incoherent. And while the font itself is pretty alright, it's the collage box underneath it that really nets this cover a spot on the blog. This thing is just....oh man, it looks bad, guys. It looks like something an 8th grader would make in their graphic design class. But, like, back in the mid 2000s, before everyone was a bona fide graphic design artist like today. The unusual thing about this one is how we get the same familiar "no context collage" that we usually get on the back, but this time it's on the front . Subverting expectations, I see. Then on the back, we...

I would apologize for not having a better quality image of the box of this, but I have to research these, so I'm not apologizing for anything. If anyone should apologize to anyone, it should be you apologizing to me for reading this blog and thus creating demand for me to find these stupid movies and then write about them. Don't you know the damage you're doing? There isn't even much to say, because there's not much information, kind of like the last box, but I couldn't let this one slide, because while there might not be a plethora of information available, I have a lot to discuss regarding this whole hot mess, so let's get into it. First off, this doesn't even qualify as a box image. This is literally just a still from the movie, I'm assuming, blown up (see, see what you're making me do, you're making me make balloon puns, are you fucking proud of yourselves now?) to insufferable quality and then superimposed behind shitty font as the ...

I'd like to start off this post by apologizing for having been so absent, but I got very very sick recently, and no, it wasn't because of this VHS cover, although one could claim it makes them ill. I'd like to follow up that apology by apologizing to myself for allowing myself to come back to this blog and doing this post. Because it's the holiday season, I've decided to go ahead and get you all a present, and it's right there, under the tree. Go unwrap it, you little rascal! Do you like what I've gotten you? I know, it's a turd covered in sparkles and glitter, you're welcome! Let's get christmasy, bitch. Christy, subtitled, Santa's First Female Reindeer, is clearly a groundbreaking achievement for the feminist movement, I think we can all agree. Christy doesn't care about your goddamned glass ceilings and gender roles, she's here to pull that fuckin' sled. This box is just...atrocious. There's no other word for it. It...