Werewolf Of Washington

I love these movies that try to insert horror elements into politics, as if every politician isn't a monster already in one regard or another. This one actually threw me for somewhat of a loop when I was doing research for it because it actually goes by two titles, "American Werewolf In Washington" & "Werewolf Of Washington". Part of me wants to think that maybe the "American Werewolf" part was slapped on it after the release of "American Werewolf In London" to try and ride the success of that film, but it also is hilarious because...well...where the fuck do these people think Washington is? It's in America. Saying "American Werewolf In Washington" almost insinuates that the two are somehow separate. It'd be like if I made a movie titled "Jewish Werewolf In Isreal". And I'm a Jew, I can say that.

I am sadly, however, not a werewolf, but hey, a girl can dream.

So, what's the film about? Well, unlike Wolf of Wallstreet, which featured exactly zero wolves, Werewolf of Washington features at least one wolf, and that's him right there on the cover. Or, at least, one iteration of him anyway. It's a horror comedy from 1973 in which a press secretary for the White House and the President, while on assignment in Hungary, is bitten by a wolf who turns out to be a man, but he doesn't believe it and thinks it to be the work of the Communists, which, really, is the most American thing I've ever heard honestly. And the reason it goes by various titles across multiple labels is because there's questionable legitimacy over the rights and subpar presentations.

And while the werewolf on this cover appears to be more of a really hairy Chupacabra than a werewolf, I'm glad to say that that isn't his only appearance. It's not a bad piece of art, exactly, but it definitely doesn't look exactly like you'd expect a werewolf to look, and the font is downright ridiculous. The whole thing just seems so crammed together in ways in which it shouldn't be. None of it really works apart, let alone together, and every single aspect just feels awkward. So let's maybe take a look at a different one, shall we?

This one, admittedly, isn't much better. Where first he looked like a different creature altogether, now he just looks like an angry Terrier watching you prepare his dinner. And, for once, they have multicaps (that's the new term I'm coining as of this post to discuss multiple screencaps that appear on every single fucking one of these things) on the front of the cover instead of the back. That second one looks so downright poorly photoshopped that it makes me laugh like an idiot, and on the back we have an awful overlay of a werewolf face in the moon, which looks just as awful as everything else here. And that description is...just...so absolutely nonsensical that it sounds like a seventh grader wrote it as a last ditch effort to finish his creative writing homework that week. Not that I'm condemning the concept of a Werewolf Bowling league, by any means, but still.

These covers always seem to run the gamut, covering every single section of the spectrum, without somehow ever veering even remotely close to being "awesome". Now, that isn't to say that there haven't been ones I have enjoyed because they were either so bad they were great or so bizarre they were excellent, but that still isn't the same as being downright "good" in the realest sense of the word. These covers range from Kindergarten students arts and crafts drawing awful to untalented kid who went to art school because he has no other viable skills and this one barely qualifies as a skill as it is mediocre. But, that's the fun of it all, isn't it, after all? I mean, where would this blog be, really, without the hard work of these brave individuals who put their questionable artistic abilities out there for us all to see?

The difference is, I have a career outside of this blog. These people don't.

But either way, I'm being a little cruel. I'm sorry. I do appreciate everyone's work in the art field, no matter how much or how little I like said work. They still are doing what they want to do, and I can't fault someone for living their dream, even if their dream is everyone else's nightmare. I mean, when comparing the first to the second, they're both alright in their own ways, even with their obvious faults and glaring flaws. Sure, somebody drew the "wolf" in question, and it's dumb as hell looking, but it isn't by any means awful.

But THIS might be awful. By trying to make light of the bad movie they made, going so far as to even put the amount of "Schlock Awards" they won on the back (not gonna lie, not even sure that's a real award), and calling the lead actor "Fangs" as a nickname among the dumb quotes on the front along with the terrible tagline on the back, this is just sort of cringeworthy. This is trying too hard. The others might be dumb, but at least they don't acknowledge they're dumb. They're still just trying to be covers for the VHS box, but this one is almost buying into its own ludicrousness and it just makes me sick. Nothing worse than making something that becomes labeled "bad", then trying to act like you "meant to do that". Just throw up your arms, laugh and go, "It was just a joke all along you guys!"

And I know the movie is labeled a "comedy horror", but I don't think they meant it to be awful, they really tried to make a comedy. It just happened to be a bad comedy. That was accidental, so don't try and act like it was all some sort of big plan after the fact. And while there's no shame in acknowledging your failure, and even making light of it, there is shame in acting like it was the plan from the get go. It's ultimately what makes things like Plan 9 From Outer Space so damn endearing because it was made by people who genuinely tried and cared about the end result. They really did their best, and even if their best was in the end their worst, it's hard not to find that level of commitment to their craft admirable.

So that's Werewolf of Washington, or American Werewolf in Washington or Mr. Werewolf Goes to Washington or whatever the fuck you wanna call this thing. Maybe someday we'll get another really good Werewolf movie, maybe even one that involves - god forbid - politics, but until then, I suppose this is our only real option, and it knows it, and it refuses to leave because this is all it has.

I think the only way to get this tape out of your VCR is to shoot it with a silver bullet.