Fists Of Blood

So, I have questions.

I can't be guaranteed I'll be given answers, but I have questions nonetheless. I suppose my first question would be what in the fresh hell is going on on this cover? Because for all intents and purposes, it appears that a man has just fisted a VHS box - violently, I might add, given the blood on his hand - while a well armed member of the Gay Agenda looks on in shock at the sinful display of heterosexuality going on just within his peripheral vision. Also, and maybe this doesn't matter since I'm a lesbian, but I would never fuck a man named Jason Blade. I mean, that's the kind of name a teenager gives his edgy self insert. Also, the description on the back basically tells you everything that's going to happen, leaving no mystery, so you don't even need to watch the movie, you can just read the movie.

But the odd thing is, this is the only piece I could find for Fists of Blood, because it also went by a second title, a title much cheesier, and much apparently much more accessible to bad box art, and that title is "Strike Of The Panther", not to be confused with "The Pink Panther Strikes Again". Make sure not to mix those up when you're renting movies for the kids this weekend, as that'll leave with a lot of trauma to clean up.

A sequel to "Day of the Panther", they were two direct to video Australian martial arts action films, which were shot at the same time and released consecutively. Directed by a man named Brian Trenchard Smith, in 1987, he describes them as, quote:

"martial arts adolescent macho adventure, with as much credibly linked non-stop action as possible starring a lead who is attractive, has cat-like grace, and, as tends to happen a lot in my movies, gets his shirt off a lot, and has a good set of pectorals."

Brian, I don't want to cause any trouble but...as a long time serving member of the queer community, that sounds pretty gay, dude. Brian is married to a woman named Margaret, but we all have our vices, it's 2021 Brian, it's okay to be you. So let's go over the variants for "Strike of the Panther", shall we, and leave Brian to enjoy being who he truly is.

The first on the roster is, arguably, the most bland of them all. It's nothing great either, but it's completely passable. It's got a real photo of the star with a neat little collage behind him, and an overall decent design. Hell, even the screenshots on the back are totally okay. Again, nothing really interesting, but also nothing so baffling that they warrant 3 paragraphs of riffing. This is a perfectly acceptable box art, which may be confusing to you as to why I'm including it, but I'm only doing so for the context. Because to completely understand what's to come, you need to know where we started.

Now we're in some questionable territory, graphic design wise. The back looks like a goddamned high school yearbook collage, while the front is....boy I don't even know how to approach this thing, man. Cautiously, and with a gun, I would wager. There's so many elements, none of which fit together, that make up this absolute mess of a design, and honestly? I love it. It's a great example of "so bad it's good" box art, which is kind of rare around these parts. Usually we just get bad bad, not good bad. Let's perhaps start with the title font, which looks like it belongs on a Skinemax movie. Why is it so oddly...sexual? Maybe it's just me, but something about the title font screams "low budget pseudo porno". And then, of course, there's the piece of artwork they crafted for the film of Jason Vorhees dressed as a ninja, which is just...I mean that doesn't fit anywhere, frankly, but again, I love it.

Then there's the little things. Things like the "Australian Movies" image on the front, just in case you forgot it came from Australia...while you're renting it...in Australia. Okay, that's low. They probably only stuck those on the foreign release boxes, but still. You look at this box, the name of Rowena Wallace, and tell me that isn't inherently Australian. Come on. But my favorite part? My absolute favorite part of the whole thing? The Rainbow logo. Furthering my claims that Brian really has some deep seated issues in regards to his sexuality, and again, I'm here to tell you Brian, it's okay. You can be who you are. We love and accept you.

I kid, I kid. I'm sorry Brian. I know I wouldn't like someone poking jokes at me, a hapless lesbian writing this blog from the basement of her girlfriends parents house, so who am I to poke fun.

Seriously though, this thing is a glorious nightmare, and easily one of the best that's been featured on here thusfar during the blogs run. But you know what is just an outright nightmare, and may be one of the worst featured here thusfar during the blogs run? This image, which is what's used for the film on Amazon.

I say this with the upmost sincerity one can muster in this kind of situation, but holy FUCK is this bad.

This is, like, 2004 high school early photoshop levels bad. Nothing about this makes any sense whatsoever. First of all, the image qualities of all 3 elements vary wildly. You've got the man with the gun - who I'm fairly confident in saying ISN'T the man in the movie - who appears all grainy and washed out, but then you've got a drawn image of the woman? Why? Couldn't find a picture of an actual female human? What the hell. And of course, the city backdrop, which, while not terrible, is also somehow out of place.

This is just downright awful, and the fact that this is what's being used on Amazon's streaming service is laughably stupid. I know that Prime has a penchent for housing low budget shlock but wow, you guys really outdid yourselves this time. Did you just get your teenager to whip this up for you lickety split? How does this sort of thing happen, I need to know, mostly so I can avoid it again.

For what it's worth, Brian's actually a fairly distinguished filmmaker and author. His resume includes 2 of the later Leprechaun films, and has also been cited as one of Tarantino's favorite directors. He released his debut novel in 2016, self published which I can respect as I do the same thing, and during the late 60s and 70s was one of the leading makers of film trailers in England and Australia. He has been with his wife since 1975, which is impressive for a Hollywood marriage. They own deer, also, which is...I mean, that's just downright adorable, come on.

He actually is a pretty accomplished person, with fairly good advice from what I read in regards to how to work, and I feel bad for making jokes at his expense now, so I hope if he ever somehow reads this that he'll find it in his heart to forgive me. He's far more successful than I could ever hope to be, and I respect him for that.

But you know what I don't respect? That fucking Amazon cover. That thing is fucking awful, and it deserves to be shit on, so I think all in all this post shook out pretty well. Everyone got their just desserts. Except me. I haven't had any desserts in a few days. I kind of want dessert now.

I think I'll have a donut.