Beezbo's Adventures

 

I don't know about you, but this thing scares me. When I shut my eyes at night, all I see now is Beezbo's face on the black of my inner eyelids. He haunts me everywhere I turn, and there is no escape, no reprieve from the ethereal horror that is goddamned Beezbo the...whatever the living fuck he is. Bear? Space bear? He kinda looks like a bear right? But like a mutant space bear, or like a bear from the Ferangi homeworld. Now, I'd like to be clear here, I always take the time to try and find full box art for you guys. Unfortunately, or in this case perhaps fortunately, I could not track down the back box art of this thing, and maybe that's for the best, because who the hell knows what was on it and if it's even safe to view. I honestly, upon seeing this thing, expected my face to melt like in an Indiana Jones movie.

There's not a lot going on visually, exactly, and it's not necessarily horrendous. It's no Invisible Strangler, that's for sure. What we're given here is fairly simple; a Ferangi space bear and a, I'm assuming, small child, and I say I'm assuming because of the text that goes along with this box. Because of that text, one cannot really say for certain if it's a child or not. I'll explain that in a minute. As I said, it's fairly tame, fairly simple; generic photo of the two best friends, I guess, standing together, with a, honestly, kinda bitchin' font at the top. But then you read the taglines, and you start to question everything you've ever known. Is up up, is down down? Is white actually black? Is night actually day? I'm too scared to find out the answers to these, and so should you be, because these taglines pose a lot of suspicious and, frankly, frightening questions.

First of all, let's begin with the "how to behave like a human being" tagline, which, to me, insinuates that this tape was made for the sole purpose of educating other aliens on how to act like people so that they can easily slip into our society without being noticed or questioned. This thing is nothing more than a guidebook for those visiting from another planet, disguised, though not well obviously, as a childrens vhs. But I'd let the tagline go, if it wasn't followed by the second tagline, which then reads, "an entertaining guide to childrens manners."

Together, these are a one two punch.

Not only does the first tagline insinuate the video is nothing more than a film guide for an alien species on how to properly and successfully integrate within to our culture, but when followed by the SECOND tagline, it insinuates that children aren't even human, and are in fact beings from another dimension who wish to do the same. Frankly, I'm convinced, and I'm not sure I've ever found children to be particularly human, but that's just me. They're creepy. You can't deny it. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm gonna go so far as to say that this child IS Beezbo, in human form, or whatever the Ferangi space bear planet considers human children to look like.

I want to preface what you're about to read with the fact that I wrote the above section before learning what I'm presenting to you now, a screenshot from Lakeshore Entertainment's website, about the film, which was made apparently in 1999, which is...just...I don't know how that's possible because this thing SCREAMS 80s. I guarantee you no child would be caught dead wearing that outfit in 1999. Then again, that's likely Beezbo's interpretation of a stylish childs outfit, and honestly who the fuck cares because none of this really matters. Here's the screenshot with a description of the picture:

So there you have it, right there, confirmation from the people responsible that this child IS IN FACT Beezbo's human form. I wrote that as a goddamned joke and in turn, upon researching, discovered it's actually true, which I guess makes me about as qualified as them to make a goddamned movie. In fact, IMDB has also informed me that this isn't just a film. No. THIS WAS A TELEVISION SERIES. MADE IN 1999. AND THEN DISTRIBUTED VIA VHS. None of this makes any goddamned sense, and I'm honestly more confused now than when I started.

With all the information that we have, sadly, accrued on this matter, I actually want to see the back of this box now. I'm very curious. There's obviously screenshots on google images, there's video clips on youtube, but I'm curious as to the layout, the design, the description especially, and all the rest. But it's unfindable, at least it was for me, so the mystery lives on beyond this post. Beezbo's Adventures is not at all an offensive looking box art, it's really really bland and generic and honestly it's probably the most boring one I've covered. But, but, it's got those taglines, and the facts behind the years this was produced and that it was a TV show, just really make it all the more upsetting to look at.

I don't know if Beezbo ever succeeded in his...her? Their? I don't know what the fuck to call this thing. I don't know if they ever succeeded in their quest to learn to be human, and learn proper manners, and...I guess learn to keep their elbows off the table during dinner. That's something you teach kids, right? I kind of hope they didn't learn, and I kind of hope Beezbo gets back into their little spaceship and heads home and tells their race how rude and horrible we are and they all come and annihilate us. I hope that's what happened. Because, we made this thing, and that's what we deserve for having made it. We deserve to be annihilated by a race of Ferangi space bear.

Beezbo, if you're out there, flying amongst the stars and swirls of galaxies, I have two things to say to you.

The first if please come destroy us, because we asked for it upon the creation of this film.

The second is fuck you for existing.