Schoolgirl Killer

Sometimes, while doing research for this blog and covers to feature, I come across something so extremely awful that it just begs me to feature it and this is one of those. And perhaps, at first glance, this doesn't look all that bad. I mean, it looks bad, but not laughably bad, but no, I assure you, by the end of this post, you will understand why this is so bad, because there's so much wrong with this that it's almost impossible to know where to start.

First of all, this is a grown ass woman, not a schoolgirl, and secondly she doesn't look particularly terrified of her situation. If anything, she looks mildly amused, like this is a game of musical chairs that got just a bit out of hand. Also that font does not fit this box tonally whatsoever. I get that it looks like a childish font, like something used in a school by a schoolgirl, but that doesn't mean it's what should be used. Things of this nature should have creepy fonts, not something that looks like it'd show up on your 2nd graders Back to School night flyer. Also, the man on the cover - presumably the killer - looks NOTHING like the man on the back, who appears to be a long lost cousin of Peter Lorre. They also tried to make the spine interesting by putting the cover image along it, which isn't a terrible idea, but it squished the font so far up that the whole thing looks wrong.

But there is ONE saving grace to this box, and you know what that is? The AIR logo.

Lookit this son of a bitch.

Whoever came up with this logo, you're a true hero. This is perhaps the coolest logo since the Gorgon one I featured a while back. It appears to be a lion who's somehow boarded an airplane and is now about to maul some poor unsuspecting stewardess while she uses the lavatory. Actually, I don't know about the airplane part, and the name actually stands for Ariel International Releases, so there. But that's the backstory I came up with and I'm sticking to it.

And they apparently knew their logo was gold, because they put it on the box not once, but twice, on the front AND the spine. I guess even the distributor realized what a piece of shit this thing was and how their only thing of note was their own logo. They weren't wrong, either.

Sadly, there's likely no flying lions (that's my new band name now I've decided) in Schoolgirl Killer, nor is there, from what I can discern, any other alternate covers for it, and perhaps that's for the better. I mean, for god sakes, the perspective on the one we have isn't even all that correct. Why're the people so detailed but the background looks like a shoddy shed that was painted in a hurry? Why's it all slanted? This is awful. With the description given on the back, of the killer drowning the girl and then putting her into a suitcase, you'd think maybe the designer would've used that for inspiration. Maybe a blood soaked locked suitcase or perhaps a bathtub with just a womans bloody hand hanging over the edge, but no, they went with something right out of Deliverance for some reason.

This image doesn't even appear to have anything to do with the movie, which only makes it all the more laughable. Not to mention that man is gently caressing her head while appearing to smell her hair. His eyes are even shut, like he's enjoying the aroma of her shampoo, and aside from the fact that he's holding a gun and she's tied up, this isn't so much threatening as it is confusing. Is this guy even a killer, or was she taken hostage by a former jilted hairdresser? Only one person knows the answer, and that person is who ever watched this, and I feel bad for that person. Overall, on the surface and at first glace, Schoolgirl Killer doesn't look that bad but when you get into the details, its terribleness really shines through.

Also, don't try and look up more images for alternate covers for this movie. I did that. You'd be surprised at what comes up when you just type "Schoolgirl Killer" into a search URL, and I'm gonna save you the trouble and tell you right now you don't wanna find out.

So that's it for the month. I'll see you sometime in December for another 4 covers. Until then, stay healthy and safe, and try not to piss of any hairdressers. You never know what that guy at Supercuts is capable of.