Be Kind, Rewind

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. This movies title is WILDLY misleading. Those are NOT hands of steel. That's an ARM of steel. Do you people even know what a fucking hand is ? Why didn't you just call this movie "Arms of Steel"? Because it would've worked, because guess what, guns, which are clearly used heavily in the film, are also called "arms". You would've had a double entendre movie title! But instead, you chose to stick with "hands". Which makes even LESS sense when one considers the blurb on the back cover that states "he is a superstrong half man, half machine cyborg", because guess what, if he's a cyborg, and half machine, more than just his fucking hands are steel. You could've called this thing literally ANYTHING ELSE and it would've been more appropriate and accurate to the movie. And let's not even go into the fact that the blurb also states that this movie takes place in the wildly...

    Boy do I have a doozy for you guys this time, folks.   This is a movie called, as the gigantic font taking up half the fucking front cover will tell you, "The Alien Dead". Let's just start with the fact that that's a terrible ridiculous title that really doesn't even remotely suggest what the film is about. Are the aliens dead? Are the aliens simply raising the dead? Really incoherent. And while the font itself is pretty alright, it's the collage box underneath it that really nets this cover a spot on the blog. This thing is just....oh man, it looks bad, guys. It looks like something an 8th grader would make in their graphic design class. But, like, back in the mid 2000s, before everyone was a bona fide graphic design artist like today. The unusual thing about this one is how we get the same familiar "no context collage" that we usually get on the back, but this time it's on the front . Subverting expectations, I see. Then on the back, we...

Remember when you were a kid and you had to come up with a cool character for something, and you immediately, because you're a kid, decide to just mash two things together and hope it sounds absolutely awesome? Stuff like Shark Jet and Atomic Werewolf. That's the feeling I get from Robo Vampire. This wasn't even made by an executive with an overactive imagination, no, this was just something he heard his son say one day and thought "I could probably sell that" and sell it he did! I mean, it sounds awesome, not gonna lie. If the lead didn't look like a ripoff of RoboCop (hence the title of the film itself), then I'd likely be more inclined to appreciate it for its originality, but I can't in good conscience do that. However, when I went to research more about this film, I was met with a few startling realizations. Let's just start with the fact that apparently our protagonist ISN'T a robotic vampire after all. So the title is misleading on top o...

Listen, it's okay to have a room dedicated to Exorcism, maybe even two, but a whole entire house? That's just greedy. Surely you live with other people who want to use that house and those rooms for their own purposes, who says it's up to you that the entirety of the home is to be dedicated solely to the act of Exorcism? Rude, quite frankly, you selfish twit. Why can't you just rent a hotel room like normal people who perform their nefarious acts out of the public eye. Honestly, at first glance, there's a lot to enjoy from this box. Let's start with the director, the man, the myth, the legend...Mickey Lion. What a fantastic name. Not to be confused with Mikey Lion , who is the top hat-wearing leader of The San Diego based Desert Hearts Crew, who, biannually, throw the 70-hour nonstop Desert Hearts Festival with the mantra "House, Techno, & Love" as its tagline. No, Mickey Lion is a man so mysterious that he cannot be traced. Maybe he went into...

This doesn't even look like the cover to a real action film. It looks like the cover to what someone imagines an action film would look like. It looks like the cover to a parody of an action film. In fact, the release date for this picture is 1976 and this thing could not look anymore 70s if it tried. You've got a motorcycle, a naked woman and a helicopter, all done in the classic hand drawn cover art we've come to know and love. The description reads "A breathtaking motorcycle manhunt across the African wilderness", which makes it sound like they're hunting a sentient motorcycle who, I don't know, committed some sort of motorcycle crime and is now being chased for vengeance? He committed quite literal Grand Theft Murder and now the husband of the woman motorcycle he killed wants revenge but first he has to catch him? That sounds a lot better than this movie likely is. Actually, there's no real way for me to know, outside of watching the mov...

I would apologize for not having a better quality image of the box of this, but I have to research these, so I'm not apologizing for anything. If anyone should apologize to anyone, it should be you apologizing to me for reading this blog and thus creating demand for me to find these stupid movies and then write about them. Don't you know the damage you're doing? There isn't even much to say, because there's not much information, kind of like the last box, but I couldn't let this one slide, because while there might not be a plethora of information available, I have a lot to discuss regarding this whole hot mess, so let's get into it. First off, this doesn't even qualify as a box image. This is literally just a still from the movie, I'm assuming, blown up (see, see what you're making me do, you're making me make balloon puns, are you fucking proud of yourselves now?) to insufferable quality and then superimposed behind shitty font as the ...

I'd like to start off this post by apologizing for having been so absent, but I got very very sick recently, and no, it wasn't because of this VHS cover, although one could claim it makes them ill. I'd like to follow up that apology by apologizing to myself for allowing myself to come back to this blog and doing this post. Because it's the holiday season, I've decided to go ahead and get you all a present, and it's right there, under the tree. Go unwrap it, you little rascal! Do you like what I've gotten you? I know, it's a turd covered in sparkles and glitter, you're welcome! Let's get christmasy, bitch. Christy, subtitled, Santa's First Female Reindeer, is clearly a groundbreaking achievement for the feminist movement, I think we can all agree. Christy doesn't care about your goddamned glass ceilings and gender roles, she's here to pull that fuckin' sled. This box is just...atrocious. There's no other word for it. It...