One Away
The description reads "A breathtaking motorcycle manhunt across the African wilderness", which makes it sound like they're hunting a sentient motorcycle who, I don't know, committed some sort of motorcycle crime and is now being chased for vengeance? He committed quite literal Grand Theft Murder and now the husband of the woman motorcycle he killed wants revenge but first he has to catch him? That sounds a lot better than this movie likely is. Actually, there's no real way for me to know, outside of watching the movie which I'm sure not gonna do, what this movie is actually really about because there's basically no information on its Wikipedia page outside the short two sentence blurb and a cast list that sadly doesn't read "And Starring Nicholas Cage AS The Motorcycle".
My favorite part of this box, however, is the part on the back that reads thusly "A Full Length Feature Film". This is just hilarious. As if anyone renting this was expecting anything less? Did they think it was a short arthouse movie? But seriously, this thing reeks of hardcore action imagery. Or, at least, what passed for that in the 70s, anyway. I still believe it looks like a parody of action movies, but there's no real way to gauge what anyone actually thinks about this picture cause along with there being no information on its Wikipedia page, the Rotten Tomatoes page has absolutely no information as well. There's no image for it, there's no Tomato Meter, and for some reason, it thinks this movie came out in 2003. That's how unknown this picture is, we can't even agree on a date for it.
Sounds like a wonderful movie to me.
And what in sam hill does this title even mean? "One Away"? That sounds like the title to a romantic comedy starring Barbara Streisand. This box isn't actually all that bad, it's fairly generic and standard, especially for what it is, but the one thing that DOES haunt me, I'll admit, is the image on the front cover with what appears to be a man on a motorcycle riding that motorcycle through a goddamned tornado IN THE SKY. If that's a real scene in this movie, I will watch this movie right now. And why do the people who make these layouts always choose two fairly normal screenshots for the back box, but then one just completely incomprehensible one to boot? We've got an image of a fairly attractive woman, and then another image of that woman with some guy, and then I guess some man dying in a horrible explosion? I don't know, these layout artists always seem to just throw one completely random image that doesn't fit in with the others. Honestly, this looks like the kind of VHS you'd uncover at your skeevie uncles house that's buried with his playboy magazines in the back of his closet.
After doing a bit more digging, I discovered this is actually based on a novel by a man named Allan Prior, likely named from his prior convictions of committing film sin. And who wouldn't want to watch this movie filled with a lovable cast, with characters ranging from Ruben Bass, Detective Big Man and a guy just named Stiffy. Sounds like a fucking classic to me. In fact on IMDB it's also listed as "Delta Terror" which, honestly, is a WAY cooler title than "One Away", which, I reiterate, sounds like a romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant. Allan Prior is in fact responsible for yet another feature film he wrote titled "All Coppers Are?" which isn't even a title let alone a complete sentence. I'm assuming that because his last work was dated 1993 that he's either been arrested and imprisoned for his crimes against filmmaking, or he's died and gone to hell to answer for his sins against filmmaking. Either way, I think we're safe.
So, if you're looking for a movie about a gypsy on a motorcycle trying to escape across the African wilderness, then this is the movie for you, and if this is the movie for you, then I really hope you start respecting yourself sometime soon, you poor son of a bitch.
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