Robo Vampire

Remember when you were a kid and you had to come up with a cool character for something, and you immediately, because you're a kid, decide to just mash two things together and hope it sounds absolutely awesome? Stuff like Shark Jet and Atomic Werewolf. That's the feeling I get from Robo Vampire. This wasn't even made by an executive with an overactive imagination, no, this was just something he heard his son say one day and thought "I could probably sell that" and sell it he did! I mean, it sounds awesome, not gonna lie. If the lead didn't look like a ripoff of RoboCop (hence the title of the film itself), then I'd likely be more inclined to appreciate it for its originality, but I can't in good conscience do that.

However, when I went to research more about this film, I was met with a few startling realizations.

Let's just start with the fact that apparently our protagonist ISN'T a robotic vampire after all. So the title is misleading on top of everything else. No, apparently he's just literally Robocop who has to fight a vampire. I didn't think something of this low of quality could get anymore disappointing, but by god ya did it. But even funnier is just the combinations of "plot keywords" that I circled in red. Never in my life have I heard the terms "slapstick comedy", "vampire", "priest" & "cyborg" put together. I don't know why I haven't, because it seems like such a fitting thing but here we are. I wholly approve, honestly. But this box is about as bad as any other movie from this time period. I mean, it's pretty generic action garbage with Not RoboCop choking out who appears to be the prince of a middle eastern country, while rad ass explosions and helicopters go off behind him.

The back isn't much better. Once again we're gifted the presence of the ever uninteresting "no context screencap". And really, they're all pretty generic screencaps to boot. Nothing all that intriguing about them, which is a shame. So, just for fun, I did something I haven't done in a while and went in search of an alternate box cover, and boy howdy did I find one. Check this bad boy out.

This goddamned thing is even better than the first, honestly. Not only are the screencap images on the back all the more interesting, giving you a clear look at some of the costume design in the film, but also the artwork on the front is all the better as well. Even if Not Robocop is still basically as close to Robocop as one can be without alerting the lawyers, it's got great design and color and the whole thing just really fits better than the ridiculous pseudo action movie crap the first one was trying to peddle. Something about this era in film, I much prefer the artwork covers to the photo covers. They just feel more genuine, somehow, much like the artsy covers we get today with the Criterion Collection releases for things.

Doesn't hurt either that the second box is Chinese because, I swear to god, nothing about this says "American made". Honestly this thing reeks of Asian filmmaking, so the second box really does the job in presenting what is likely a horrible movie but at least in a semi entertaining visual manner. Also the colors on the second one really pop a lot more than the first, so it's just overall a more visually appealing box. Despite everything negative surrounding this, I actually think I would watch it just because it sounds so absolutely fucking ridiculous. Sure, I'm a film snob, but I'm also a film snob who likes terrible crap, so the two halves equal out to seeing a lot of great and a lot of awful movies.

All in all, is Robo Vampire the worst box art I've ever featured? No. Is it even close? Not at all whatsoever. But it's still campy and goofy as hell and for those reasons, it made it onto the blog. Frankly, given the current state of the political climate in this country, I think I'd far prefer the help of a Vampire Beast and his drug overlord to that of a Cop Android. They're dangerous enough without the cybernetic help, guys. Let's not give 'em any ideas.