Stepsisters

"You expect me to die?!"

"No, Mr. Bond Gideon, I expect you to act in this feature."

"You...monster!"

I have to admit, on the whole, this isn't anywhere near the worst design I've ever seen. It's consistent and it's color coordinated, even if those colors are reminiscent of a decaying kiddie pool full of sunburnt vomit. But hey, the title font isn't terrible, the layout is, boring, yes, but viewable at the least and the artwork isn't wholly atrocious. "Stepsisters", also known as "Hands of Blood" - a way cooler title, if we're being honest - is a self proclaimed thriller released in 1974 directed by a man named Perry Tong, also known for the films "Deadly Assets" (2018) which I'm fairly certain is just a porno and "Slick Silver", also from 1974.

There's only one review on IMDB for the film, a review titled appropriately "Nothing Worth Remembering", which I feel pretty much sums it up.

What really boggles me, though, about this box art is the bizarre decision to have a painting on the front of the lead actresses, but then having actual photographs of the male lead - I'm assuming it's a photograph, it's a little hard to tell to be honest due to its size - in her sunglasses reflection. I'm also not quite sure what that blue asscrack farting lightning behind them is supposed to be, but perhaps there's no rhyme or reason to anything here, and I'm just stupid for even trying to figure it out in the first place. Really though, this box falls into that rare middling category of "too boring to be bad", because while it's obviously got some problems, those problems aren't terrible enough to warrant a mockery of it. Sure, the artwork on the front womans face is just terrible (why does she look like a Pug who turned into a human woman?) but really it's just one of those that's so generic and bland that it doesn't even have enough to make fun of.

Though I do take issue with the phrase "Video Treasures" on the back. This is anything but a treasure, and if it is, please, let it remained buried under the sand for eons to come.

Although I do appreciate the 1988 "Video Cassette Sales" at the very bottom of the back. That's not a real company, right? I mean, that's a company not wanting to take the blame for having played a hand in releasing this bland abomination. Nobody would name their company that. That's like naming your car company "Motor Vehicles Incorporated". Hilarious.

Thankfully, there's a variant for us to look at!

Although not all that different, at least this one's slightly more interesting thanks to that ever present 80s encasement aesthetic so many VHS releases were privy to. Oddly enough, I like the purple more here, even if it doesn't work nearly as well with the bloody font title as well as the black did. But the most stark difference between the two, obviously, is the lighting on the painting on the front. Suddenly these women are human colored, and no longer resemble victims of extreme Jaundice. They're also a little more panned out from before, and the front womans chest is more visible, cleavage and all. I'm somewhat curious is this is merely a different cut of the same image, or someone simply recreated the whole thing altogether with their own lighting?

I mean, that weird asscrack in the background is still, present, but the colors here are shockingly normal, even though the image is mirrored from the previous. Either way, I'm appreciate that someone knew what they were doing with this one, and even though it's the weirder of the two, design wise, it's somehow the more acceptable.

 

I also want to call to attention the names of the people involved in this film. Hal Fletcher, Bond Gideon and Sharyn Talbert. Along with Perry Tong, these have to be pseudonyms, right? These are people clearly behind held hostage and forced to make this film at gunpoint, but were given the chance to at least clear their names by using aliases. I refuse to believe anyone ever named their child Perry Tong or Bond Gideon. Those aren't real names, you can't fool me.

So that's Stepsisters, or Hands of Blood. A movie with a box and plot so generic that it barely warrants an entire post dedicated to it.

 

I'm also a fan of the Regal Video Inc name and logo. It's much better than "Video Cassette Sales".

 

Though almost anything would be.