Hitchhike To Hell

Once more, we dive back into the gift that keeps on giving, a nonstop ordeal on this blog, a classic family favorite topic...strangulation!

This is one of those rare cases where there's nothing really specific about this box art that jumps out at you, it's just that the whole thing is bad. Like, this entire thing is an assault on your eyes, and frankly I'm not even sure where to begin pressing the blame first. Should we start at the hideous nuclear yellow vomit they colored the outside with, or perhaps the ridiculous font for "Hell"? Or maybe, just maybe,the bizarre idea to put yet another woman being choked to death on the cover, even though it takes you a full few minutes to really comprehend that that's what you're actually looking at?

As I said, there's no real starting point; the whole thing is a goddamned travesty. The description on the back, "A horrific story of the rape and murder of countless runaway girls by a homicidal maniac", is barely even a descriptor and more like a pitch piece, and a basic one at that, while the images they so lovingly jammed into a square beneath it are baffling at best and bewildering at worst. I reiterate, the whole thing is to blame, and it's not just the sum of its parts, oh no, the sum of its parts are the worst part of it.

And, may I ask, what the fuck is with the company logo on this box?

It appears to be a turquoise head with a zipper down it, and the name beneath seems to read DYS. I have no freaking idea what to make of this, and it confounds me to hell and back. Do it Your Self pictures? That's usually abbreviated as DIY, but in this case they seemed to have come up with a different abbreviation altogether. Hell, they got everything else wrong, so why not get this wrong too. Consistency has gotta count for something, right?

While I wasn't able to find anything regarding whoever that company was, I did manage to find this synopsis on IMDB.

Howard is a mild-mannered young man who drives a truck for a commercial laundry. He's also a mother-obsessed psycho who picks up young female hitchhikers, rapes them and kills them.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure you can't be both mild mannered AND a psycho who rapes and kills people. I'm fairly confident in saying that those two things kind of cancel eachother out. Call me old fashioned, but 'mild mannered' and 'psycho' simply do not go together.

And if that box was as bad as it gets, then this box is as good as it gets. It's fascinating how one release can look like soggy dog turds on a dewy lawn after a fresh rain, but another can actually be visually engaging and overall well put together. I know, I'm sorry about the dog turd image I've put in your head, but in my defense, that box art was worse than the image I just gave you, so I think it all evens out in the end.

So this version, unlike its former incarnation, is actually pretty damn great, especially for such schlock. But it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that this version has such fantastic art, considering it's from a reputable distributor like "Something Weird Video" and not DYS. The font on this screams grindhouse, the painting that accompanies it screams titillation, and the layout of the thing? If I had a chef around, I'd cut off his fingers and kiss them, that's how beautiful this is. And, instead of putting outright images of women being murdered on the box, this version is tasteful (or as tasteful as scantily clad women who will be violently murdered in low resolution film with no budget can be) and a lot easier to rent without feeling like you should be holed up in a gutter somewhere.

I do take offense at the Box Office International Picture statement though. This shouldn't be allowed in the box office, and most certainly shouldn't be shown internationally. It's bad enough it made it out of the neighborhood it was produced in.

And, while we're nitpicking, that tagline?

"She's about the go on the ride of her life...it won't last long!"

That just sounds...overtly sexual, considering the whole rape thing. I think that was intentional, and frankly, I'm displeased about it. But then again, I'm displeased about this entire debacle, so here we are. Overall, though, I must admit - even with as sickening and reprehensible as the movie likely is - this box art is top shelf quality stuff, especially when compared to its counterpart. One is the cool cousin who will buy you alcohol and sneak you into R rated movies, and the other is that cousin you don't speak to very often who sometimes makes passes at you while at family reunions.

Theoretically you should likely avoid both, but it's understandable if you wanna hang out with the cool one now and then.