Attack Of The Beast Creatures

I didn't realize someone had taken Andrew W.K., cloned him and thrown him onto an island in a murderous frenzy, but I guess that's where we are now. I love you Andrew, seriously, don't sue me.

You know that feeling you get right before you throw up? You're kind of realizing what's about to happen and that there's nothing you can do to stop it, and that it's going to be unpleasant? That's the vibe this box gives off. Like, you went to the video store, there was nothing else available, you still rent movies because you're in some alternate dimension where it's the 90s, and this was all they had, so you were forced to rent it. And then you took it home and you plopped it into your VCR and pressed play, but the VCR broke and won't let you stop it so you literally cannot escape and also there's no doors in this room for some reason. I guess your house was made in The Sims. You're the victim of movie murder.

This thing just starts off on a bad note, with that nearly salmon but not quite salmon and maybe more like salmon that was left in the sun too long color for the background, and then you throw it the laziest of design work I think I've ever covered (heh, covered, get it? cause it's box art and I...nevermind) and the absolute dumbest screenshots, though I guess when you make a terrible movie you can only work with what you have, and for whatever reason bizzaro lettering in the sense that you're gonna leave the U and C on "Uncut Craziness!" uncaps but leave the rest of the word capped? Whatever man, it's your box. The worst font, the worst colors, the worst design scheme. We have an absolute winner here, folks. This is the worst box I've discussed thus far. This is...just horrendous.

Now, the thing is, this doesn't seem like official box art to me. If you read the back of the box, it's extremely tongue in cheek, despite my fact checking proving this is a very not tongue and cheek movie, that is in no way self aware of its sheer audacity of being genuine and the violations thereof, so I don't think this is the actual box art. I think we've got another "Tanya's Island" here. The other thing is, box art varied in some cases (again, get it, cases? cause they're VHS and, fuck it I give up) and sometimes, depending on the distributor, especially for low budget low quality content could be a potential number of distributors to give your movie as far a reach as possible, that meant each one would often get its own box art. But this one? This seems fanmade to me. It doesn't make it any better, by any means, and in fact the design could be part of the joke, but either way, allow me to introduce you to a few other versions of this box. Our first contestant on our show tonight is in fact, to prove my point, German.

So yeah, to drive my earlier point home about box art changing depending on distributor, here's the box art for a german distributor, called Rebell, which really kinda fits because it's quite rebellious of them to release this. Now, while the screenshots for this are significantly better at giving you some idea of what you're in store for, they're still bad, but that's just because the movie's bad. No way to improve that. But goddamn if that art on the front isn't awesome. Like, the beast creatures in question still look like fucking Cousin It with a pair of GI Joe arms glued onto him, but still, someone TRIED at least, and that's all we're really asking for. But, this is also false advertising. I mean, the phrase 'false advertising' is in and of itself false advertising, as it's trying to advertise the concept that advertising isn't a fucking lie to begin with simply to get you to spend money on something, but that's a whole other can of worms. But yeah, they're still showing you something that this film is not going to deliver, alright? You're not getting that cool green creature on the box, you're getting those horrible things we saw on the first picture. But now, for the other box art I found:

This one gives me a more "bad" vibe than the german once, certainly, but someone still did put effort into this and the color scheme is nice and the artwork is decent. But none of that can change the fact that my impression was colored immediately upon the fact that the first box was the first box I saw for this. Also, while these are improvements, they still aren't exactly "good". This second one in particular has nothing on the back, not that those screenshots were any of help either, and again, the overall tone for the film here being presented is not what you're going to get. It's a bit closer, likely, but it's still not the same. This presents a rather fun horror adventure movie feeling. Not "I stuck 14 of my closest friends in shitty costumes we made in my garage on Sunday afternoon on an island and filmed them" feeling. In fact, I get the feeling that the people who made this box knew how bad this flick was, specifically because in the text on the back, they deliberately state "An exceptionally unique sci/fi horror movie!"

It doesn't help their case that this quote is fronted with ellipses, which you ONLY DO when you're trying to confront someone with something horrible but presenting it in a rather prettier manner, like when you asked your mom if your outfit for school was good and she'd go, "Of course...you put a lot of effort in." That little pause makes a big difference. So yeah, these guys knew what they were doing and what you were in store for. And again, while these box arts are obviously the real ones and much much better, that still doesn't make them phenomenal or even in the slightest "good" necessarily. It just makes them better than what I started off with.

So we've got no Wikipedia for this movie, but I did manage to find an IMDB and a Rotten Tomatoes page, and an Amazon page to buy the movie, though they helpfully inform you that this VHS is "currently unavailable" and that they "don't know when/if it will be back in stock" which is the best news we've gotten this entire post. All I can really gleam from the stuff I did manage to track down was that this movie wasn't good, and what a shocker that was, lemme tell ya.

So hopefully you've managed to survive your stay in the Murder VCR Room this evening, and returned this tape to your multi dimensional local video store post haste, but let this be a warning...for every bad box art for bad movies, there's BETTER box art for the same bad movie that just may trick you into renting it. You know, cause you rent movies. Cause you're in the 90s still. Honestly, if I were you though, I'd try and move away from that rental store. I think they're trying to kill you. Nobody with good intentions would let you just willingly walk out with this video in hand, alright? Look into a new place to live, please.

I really care about your safety, other dimensional reader.