Be Kind, Rewind

You know that you're in for a bad time when the BEST cover you can find is this one, and it has the BEST TITLE to boot. Things don't go uphill from here, guys, sorry to say. This is only going to be a one way trip, and it's going to lead straight to hell. By the way, before I continue, I wanna point out that this entire post wouldn't have been possible if not for VHS Collector, whose domain is slapped over these images, because they provided all these photos and a lot of information, so yeah, if you like what I do (or hate what I do but wanna see someone else do it) go check them out. Anyway... ...First of all, this is a great title for a movie. Secondly, this is a pretty cool cover. You've got a well dressed woman with a smoking rifle standing in front of a victorian looking home, like she's about to hunt you for sport. Alas, that would not be the case. While the artwork is fantastic, there's still a lot of flaws, and most of them have to do with the b...

In todays edition of "awesome font attached to hideous graphic design upchuck", we have everyones favorite familiar classic, "A Lizard In A Woman's Skin", which not only is super direct of what the plot entails, but is just sort of a long title in general. There's a lot about this visually that's really stupid, whether it's the fact that there's what appears to be a random shot of a woman (presumably our leading lizard lady) topless in bed on the back, of the weird wrap around concept with one human eye on the back and the lizard eye on the front, but my personal favorite has to be the random ass screencap of some dude who looks like the most smug mother fucker in the world just sittin' there on the back of the box. No context. No relation to anything else. Just random smug man screencapture. Perfection. We're also gonna ignore the whole weird box they stuck around the lizard eye with their own company name on it, as if it's part...

I'm not even going to start this one by making the obvious fart joke, because the company themselves already leaned into it. It's the tagline on both the top AND bottom of the box for god sakes! So let's just skip any demon fart jokes we might have thought of, no matter how much a gas they might've gone, and dive right into this sucker. This is, actually, vintage 90s horror movie box art right here. This is peak horror movie box art, really. And almost quality so, even, if not for a few minor things that need to be discussed. The first of these things is the description on the back, which makes it sound like, despite the image on the front, these people are being haunted by literal wind, which...I mean, I hate wind too, but I wouldn't call it a demon. Sure, it's irritating and it gets in your face and it blows all your papers around, but come on. Also the tagline on the back of the box is even worse than the preceding two on the front. Like, where as the ...

I didn't realize someone had taken Andrew W.K., cloned him and thrown him onto an island in a murderous frenzy, but I guess that's where we are now. I love you Andrew, seriously, don't sue me. You know that feeling you get right before you throw up? You're kind of realizing what's about to happen and that there's nothing you can do to stop it, and that it's going to be unpleasant? That's the vibe this box gives off. Like, you went to the video store, there was nothing else available, you still rent movies because you're in some alternate dimension where it's the 90s, and this was all they had, so you were forced to rent it. And then you took it home and you plopped it into your VCR and pressed play, but the VCR broke and won't let you stop it so you literally cannot escape and also there's no doors in this room for some reason. I guess your house was made in The Sims. You're the victim of movie murder. This thing just starts of...

So, I guess I'll start off by saying that this cover looks a rainbow vomited onto a fart. Like, visually, that's the first thing I think of upon seeing this color palette. Now, while at first glance this may appear not all that interesting to look at, there's actually a lot more going on here than you'd think. Let's start with, once again, these companies hiring the absolute lowest tier artist possible to draw their horrifying humanoid creatures they've plastered on the front of this monstrosity, that I sincerely hope aren't actual representations of the people in the movie, because if they are, then god those poor ugly people. Again, if you're going to through all the trouble of financing and producing a filming a picture, why would you drop the ball at the very last part of that? Why would you hire the worst people to create the thing that's going to be the first visual representation of your finished product on a shelf somewhere? Makes no se...

  Have you ever gone to a museum, whether via a field trip as a child or of your own volition, and you're standing there admiring the artwork, slowly moving from piece to piece, and then you come across a piece that you wholly abhore and cannot imagine anyone ever considering hanging in a fine art museum. That's kind of what's happening here. You can see glimpses of an amazing work of art, but it's all so bogged down and covered up by the crap someone smeared over it that you just can't see it as it should've been. Let's discuss some positive points, like that font. That font is downright incredible. It's just plain cool, man. Like, if you were thinking of making, specifically a B-Horror movie, that's the font you'd look at and go "perfect!". That is A+ grade b-horror movie font, right there. But that's about where the positive points end, sadly, and it quickly devolves into a collage that looks like it was put together by ...

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