Curse Of The Black Widow

There's only going to be two things left when the bombs finally drop, and those are plastic and bad horror movies about spiders.

This is one of the worst covers I've ever seen, just outright. First off, leopard print wearin' Rocky Horror Show knockoff on the front there doesn't look so much scared as they looked excited, like they're about to have a night out on the town. Meanwhile, their friend right behind them, who doesn't seem to be looking at anything in particular, has absolutely NO reaction on his face and thus it's hard to exactly understand what he's trying to convey other than the feeling of, "I really need to use the bathroom right now." That's how people who try to hold it in look. Prove me wrong. Then you've got the spider, which is a pretty good spider, I'll admit. I've seen worse spiders, let's put it that way. This spider's got nice big scary mandibles and some wicked eyes. That's a pretty good spider.

And then, for some weird reason, someone decided to slap a screenshot from the film on the front fucking cover, thus ruining an already bad box art. Now, I'm no graphic designer, I mean I dabble here and there, but this just confounds me. Who thought this was a good idea? And what's more confusing is that it doesn't add anything to the images we're already being conveyed. It just shows MORE spider. Like, was the giant spider itself, along with the title front and center, "CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW", not enough to convince people that this was about spiders? Was there someone at the studio (and by studio I obviously mean Greg's garage because let's be real, this was not professionally made), who looked at the printed up box art and thought, "Gee guys, ya know...there really just isn't enough spider on here!" And I mean, technically Greg isn't wrong, you can never have enough spider. But still, to just place it there, all willy nilly, it makes absolutely no sense in the context of design. And then, on top of the bad placement and strange decision to place it there to begin with, they don't even choose another image of the spider, it's just spider legs with fire around it, and what I'm only assuming is our leading man watching it burn. That's...that's just confusing.

My favorite part of this box is that it lacks any identifying factors whatsoever regarding who directed it.

Look at it. Download it and zoom in. There's NO name here. Whoever made this thing (again, probably Greg) was so clearly distraught by its very creation and their hand in it, the fact that they birthed this monstrosity into the world, that they refused to have their name on it anywhere. That's downright hilarious. I mean, no screenwriter name, that makes sense. But a director always has a credit on the box. Maybe this movie wasn't made at all! Maybe it just...showed up one day, somewhere, on a video store shelf, waiting for its next unsuspecting victims to pick it up and rent it. Perhaps this movie just popped into the world, or maybe it was here from the beginning, and we uncovered it like some sort of ancient, prophetic totem of destruction. I don't know. I don't WANT to know.

I also would like to point out the description on the back of the box, which strangely enough has a segment that reads:

"Higby's foe has a spiders cunning and a womans charm, a deadly combination as one by one, the all star cast is drawn into her web of murder."

This...this is a bit problematic, and I don't mean problematic in the "cultural appropriation" sort of sense. I mean like, this description genuinely undermines the very concept of everything we're looking at. A womans charm? Is this not a spider at all? Is it a shape shifter? It is a spider woman of some kind? What exactly are we dealing with here, because so far, everything I've seen has lead me to believe that we're facing an actual fucking spider. And not just because the title is "CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW", because that could theoretically mean anything, it could be a name given to a woman who's seducing and killing men, but more because there's a GIANT FUCKING SPIDER DIRECTLY ON THE BOX. Which only leads to MORE questions! Are these "prey" of hers (theirs? I don't know this spiders preferred pronouns) just attracted to giant spiders? Are they giant spider fuckers? And look, I'm not gonna judge you if you wanna fuck giant spiders, okay, that's your thing, you be you and be happy with that, but I need ANSWERS dammit, and this box has only given me questions!

Also, just a sidenote from all the potential giant spider fucking, I wanna point out that another portion of the blurb on the back of this box reads:

"Curse Of The Black Widow is a suspense thriller with good G rated chills for the whole family."

This completely disregards the fact that only mere sentences above that it reads:

"Detective Higby uncovers an ancient curse behind a series of ritual murders."

You can't call something G rated when it involves ritual murders. I mean, look, I know this was like, the eighties and this sort of shit just flew but I'm sorry, in what world when you think "G rated family fun" do you also think "ritualistic murder"? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like ritualistic murder. I just don't think it's very appropriate for children. And all of this, all of this absolute lunacy, is wrapped up in a box that ultimately has no identity whatsoever. Look at this godforsaken thing. It's so GENERIC. I'm willing to bet good money that they put about as much time into the box art as they put into the movie. I really do feel like I'm looking at a cursed item here, something that belongs buried away in that warehouse at the end of "Raiders Of The Lost Ark", something that absolutely defies any and all logic whatsoever, and instead just terrifies and infuriates and confuses the viewer.

Before we wrap this up, let's check out the wikipedia as always because, whoo, there's some zingers here. Let's start off with the fact that the film was a made for television movie made in 1977 (thus invalidating my earlier eighties joke, thanks me) and was re-released in 1979 under the title, and no I'm not kidding, "Love Trap". This thing is actually a Disney-ABC Domestic Television production, which means that our beautiful little spider is technically a disney princess, which, really, it's about time they finally got their eight feet in the door. It also apparently only has 3 locations, including a mansion, a road and the town in which both mansion and road reside in. And finally, there is in fact a director to this thing, and his name is Robert Blees, because THAT'S a real name. Actually, if you look at his filmography, it turns out Blees has quite a fascination with insects and horror. He also directed "The Black Scorpion" and the classic "Frogs", which, good or not, is a classic nonetheless. He unfortunately died in 2015, so we can't send him this blog and demand justice for this things existence.

All in all, "Curse Of The Black Widow" is an absolutely bewildering piece of artwork which, time and time again, contradicts itself in a myriad of ways while all the while managing to look tame AND batshit stupid. It's an impressive piece of art, even if it's bad. I gotta give it to 'em, they really knocked this one out of the park, because the only thing this box art spun was a web of absolute bullshit.

BONUS

I know this thing is damn long enough as it is, but I just didn't want you to miss out on this nifty little piece of artwork which, I'm assuming, was promotional material for the film. Check this thing out, guys.

This thing is SPECTACULAR. This honestly answers so many of the questions presented in the box art itself! There we go! She's both spider AND woman. Though she looks more like some sort of arachnid contortionist for the circus or something, but there we have it. The mystery is put to bed. I'd rather it was taken out back behind the shed and put down, but I'll take what I can get.